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Member's Editorial A Time to Grieve Becoming widowed is surely among life's most traumatic events. The sorrow
of losing a spouse is unique in the human experience; gone is a partner
and lover, helpmate and adviser. The fact that death can be anticipated
- when it occurs at an advanced age or after a long illness - makes bereavement
no less painful. Part of the pain is emotional. I have heard people say that "they thought they would never get over it," so deep was their grief. And part of the pain has to do with our sense of self: without our life-long partner, it becomes necessary to redefine our place in the world. When one has been part of a couple for a very long time, the adjustment can seem impossible. How do we handle the loss? How do we manage everyday tasks we used to do together? How do we regroup to face the world anew? First, we need time to grieve and heal. The death of a spouse affects us emotionally, physically, spiritually. We need time to assimilate the loss and work through grief. Then, there are practical decisions. We may have hesitated to make plans
because we were reluctant to talk about death. Yet planning can reduce
confusion, worry and legal entanglements. Couples who have faced the situation
by working out in advance funeral details, wills, financial planning,
and alternative living arrangements are convinced that they have made
adjusting to widowhood much easier for the spouse who will survive. Making
such plans lets you talk things through with your most trusted adviser
- your spouse. Finally, we need support for the transition, to deal with grief and
adjust to new circumstances. Family and friends can form an invaluable
network for emotional support and practical help; support groups and professional
help are also available. Bernice MacDougall
Bereavement: A Life Passage We call widowhood an expected life event for several reasons. When we're younger, widowhood seems distant and abstract but as we age, it starts to appear more concrete: friends or siblings are widowed, our spouse becomes seriously ill, we reach the age said to be a Canadian's average life expectancy. Most marriages end with the death of one of the spouses, usually when both partners are in their senior years. Widows and widowers accounted for 6.4% of all Canadians age 15 and over in 1996 but for 32.5% of everyone age 65 and over.1 A woman's story Widowhood can happen to both men and women at any age, but because women generally live longer than men, 80% of the 1.5 million widowed people in Canada are women. More than 75% of them are age 65 or older. The absolute numbers are just as striking: more than 1 million widows over age 60 and 208,000 widowers. Along with their longer life expectancy, women tend to marry men a few years older than themselves and are less likely to remarry after being widowed or divorced.2 Women's average age at widowhood and average duration of widowhood are also rising. Not only are the numbers different for widows and widowers, so are the lifestyles. Barry McPherson studies individual and population aging. He reports that women are more likely than men to have a large peer group for social and emotional support. They also tend to have closer ties with their children, especially daughters. Though men are no less vulnerable to grief, widowers are more likely to be isolated from their families. Widowed men are generally older and in poorer health, but they also tend to have greater financial resources and opportunities for remarriage if they choose. These differences may narrow as women with higher levels of education, job experience, and financial resources age and become widows.3 Bereavement experiences vary widely. Adjusting to widowhood usually involves an initial period of shock and numbness, then a time when pressing practical matters are a priority. Working through the grief process may take two years or more, while redefining an individual and social identity and settling into a new way of life often take a few years longer. What is ‘normal' grief? Grief is the human response to significant loss. Grief does not follow a fixed timetable or list of symptoms. Normal feelings include shock, numbness, sadness, anger, remorse, resentment, guilt. You may hear the voice of the person who died, have flashbacks to the funeral or to moments before the death, or think you see the person on the street. Difficulty concentrating and remembering is common, as are irrational thoughts and changes in sleep patterns and appetite.
For some, bereavement starts before death. Learning that a spouse has a terminal illness or dementia often prompts anticipatory grief. When death comes, the bereaved person may feel relief, sometimes accompanied by guilt or remorse about the quality or source of care the spouse received before death. Compounding this may be 'shadow grief' resulting from losses experienced before the spouse's death - perhaps the death of a parent or child, or even less easily recognized losses, such as reduced independence, declining health, or damaged self-esteem arising from changes accompanying aging.
Finding support During the initial mourning period it is important to recognize that
The initial shock has worn off. Urgent matters have been settled. This time can be especially difficult. Friends and family have gone back to their lives, but the bereaved person sees only emotional turmoil ahead. This is when it is especially important, says grief counsellor Cheryl McQueen, to find ways to ventilate, validate, vocalize, and normalize your grief. The one thing not to do is minimize your grief.4 For some, help to vocalize, validate and normalize grief comes from a support group. This has two main benefits. First, group members help newcomers see their feelings as a valid and normal response to loss - they're not unusual or crazy! Second, ventilating and vocalizing - talking openly about sadness, anger and other feelings - is the first stage in reaching an understanding of the loss and how it's affecting you. A support group is a confidential, friendly setting for talking with others who've had similar losses, finding emotional support, and sharing ideas about working through grief and coping with life. Local seniors' centres or councils will likely have the names of bereavement support groups. Or talk to your family doctor, spiritual adviser, or mental health professional. If you have trouble opening up to strangers, a support group may not be for you. Or perhaps you feel that attending a support group is a sign of weakness or inability to cope on your own. In this case, a trusted friend or spiritual adviser may be able to provide compassionate listening. Professional counselling or therapy might be helpful. Or personal work in the form of reading and writing about grief, contemplation, meditation or physical activity may help resolve grief. And make no mistake -- whether done in a group or in a more private way, grieving is hard work, demanding physical, emotional and spiritual energy. But one way or another, grief must be resolved, for unresolved grief erodes our mental and physical health and eventually our capacity to function as independent human beings. Consequences and adjustments Not only do men and women have different chances of being widowed, some studies suggest they also experience bereavement and adjust to widow(er)hood differently. The stereotypical view is that women have to shoulder new obligations for managing money and maintaining house, yard and car, while men have to learn how to boil an egg and maintain social contact with family and friends. "She cries, he sighs" is how one counsellor sums up differences in male and female grieving patterns.5 British researchers suggest that disparities arise from social expectations: it is acceptable for women, but not for men, to cry and express grief openly, which helps them work through and get beyond grief.6 But in another study of bereaved people, both men and women said missing their spouse was their biggest problem; at the same time, both women and men thought that the biggest problem for the opposite sex would be learning to cope with practical matters formerly handled by the spouse who had died.7
As if grief is not enough to deal with, death precipitates dozens of chores -- settling the estate, applying for death benefits, filing insurance claims and tax returns, notifying various authorities. Then there are decisions about where to live and with whom, how to handle new responsibilities and, for many women, how to live on a lower income.8 Planning and information gathering can ease the adjustment process for the surviving spouse, at least as far as practical matters are concerned (see box). Planning may not allay the emotional impact, but it can help avoid compounding grief by reducing the number of decisions needed at a time when decision-making is hard. Spouses can also plan financially to enable the surviving spouse to afford the preferred living arrangement. Keep the house or move to an apartment? Move closer to family or friends? Or stay close to familiar shops and transportation routes, a church or synagogue, a social club or seniors' centre?
Staying healthy and independent Living arrangements are often crucial to the surviving spouse's ability to remain healthy and independent. Seniors now account for more than a third of all Canadians living alone, and more than 70% of them are widows. Women age 65 and over are more than twice as likely as men to live alone. Researchers do not agree on whether widowed individuals are more likely to become ill or die; findings have been contradictory. Since most widow(er)s are older and live alone, it is difficult to isolate these factors from the effects of being a widow, especially because good health is a product of many factors, including socio-economic status, personality, and health behaviours, beliefs and attitudes. We do know that health is jeopardized if living alone leads to social isolation, loneliness, and depression. Health may deteriorate, with depression, insomnia, irritability and weight loss becoming problems in the first few years after a spouse's death, particularly if vitality had already been undermined by months or years of caring for a terminally ill spouse. Other threats to mental and physical health include inadequate nutrition, increased use of alcohol or drugs, and deteriorating sanitary or safety conditions in the home.9 The Manitoba Senior Citizens' Handbook offers the following checklist of things to do in advance that will facilitate the immediate tasks of a bereaved spouse: Make a will • Prepare a personal record listing the locations of the following: - birth and marriage certificates • Make funeral and burial or cremation arrangements. The choice of living arrangements also influences the social networks and activities in which a widow(er) can participate. The social supports that underpin seniors' general health and well-being -- family, friends, clubs, volunteer activities, services, self-help groups -- take on added significance when seniors are bereaved, particularly if children and other close relatives (especially siblings) live far away, an increasingly likely situation in today's mobile society. Conventional wisdom suggests that widow(er)s living in rural areas might be more isolated and lonely because children have moved away, health, recreation and social services are sparse and inaccessible, and public transportation is lacking. But several researchers have found evidence to the contrary. In a study of older widows living in and around Fredericton, New Brunswick, Deborah van den Hoonaard found that those who had lived all their lives in the same rural area had the most resilient support network. Their life-long friendships weathered bereavement. Their friends still called, invited them to events, offered lifts. But urban widows reported feeling excluded or forgotten by friends; similarly, rural widows who were not life-long residents of the area became socially isolated because their status as outsiders was reinforced by the loss of their husbands.10 With hard work and appropriate support, the transition is possible and eventually even enjoyable. Life seldom closes a door without opening a window, and many people experience widowhood as an opportunity for growth and independence - a chance to pursue new interests, to make new friends, to acquire new skills in decision-making and managing their lives.12 Widowhood can be not the end, but the beginning of another stage of life's infinitely varied journey.
For Further Reading... The literature on widowhood and bereavement is extensive, ranging from academic studies to personal accounts. The following titles provide insights and counsel for those going through bereavement. Caine, Lynn. Widow. New York: Bantam Book, 1977. Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. San Francisco: Harper, 1994. Martin Matthew, Anne. Widowhood in Later Life. Toronto: Butterworths, 1991. Wylie, Betty Jane. Beginnings: A Book for Widows. Toronto: McClelland &Stewart, 1997. Other sources of printed material or reading lists: your doctor or health centre, bereavement support groups, seniors' centres, members of the clergy, specialized grief counsellors, a funeral director, public library, provincial or territorial seniors' council or advisory body, and organizations and web sites listed on the next page.
For More Information... Atlantic Canada Community Contact for the Widowed Nova Scotia Directory of Palliative Seniors' Bereavement Groups Seniors Resource Centre Bereavement Program Quebec Albatros 04 Canadian National Organization Ontario Bereaved Families of Ontario Bereavement Services. Support and Education Ontario Funeral Service Association Western Canada The Grief Centre BC Bereavement Foundation Society for the Retired and Semi-Retired
Web Sites Bereaved Families of Ontario (www.inforamp.net/~bfo): extensive site with self-help resources guide, reading lists, articles, links to chapters throughout Ontario. The Manitoba Senior Citizens' Handbook (Manitoba Council on Aging): Ontario Funeral Service Association (www.ofsa.org): general information and pamphlets to help with funeral planning and related issues. Canadian Medical Association (www.cma.ca): articles on death and grief and a list of depression symptoms, but site is directed mainly to practitioners. American College of Physicians (www.acponline.org): guide on caring for cancer patients at home includes 8-page section on grief. Grief Talk home page (www.grieftalk.com): personal stories and grief support resources, books and tapes; based in Mississauga, Ontario. Www.widownet.com and griefnet.com: U.S.-based sites with information and support resources for widows and widowers, including opportunities to talk online with others who are bereaved. Bereavement Services. Support and Education (www.bereavement.net): reading lists and support resources; series of four booklets by Cheryl McQueen, grief counsellor, to help people work through the first year of bereavement. TLC Group site (www.metronet.com/~tlc) and WEBster's Death, Dying and Grief Guide (www.katsden.com): articles, discussion groups, many links to general and specialized resources.
Tips List For seniors who are grieving There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. Grief has many dimensions and is different for each individual. Look for help that suits your needs and temperament: church, support group, books, the Internet (see "For More Information"). If after six months you're still unable to function in daily life, you may need professional help. Signs of depression include marked change in appetite and/or sleep patterns; loss of energy, interest and pleasure in things; feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness; inability to concentrate; irrational or obsessive thoughts; suicidal thoughts. These can be part of normal grieving, but if they persist, seek help. Find out what helps you work through grief: reading books or poetry, keeping a diary or journal, talking out loud or writing a letter to the person who died, physical activity, such as punching a pillow or beating a rug, talking about your spouse with those who knew him/her. Postpone major lifestyle decisions until you feel strong enough to make them. Recognize that the death of a spouse can revive unresolved grief from long ago -- the death of a parent, perhaps, or an infant child. Anticipate difficult times - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries - and plan how to deal with rekindled memories and feelings. Let others know how they can help and accept help when it's offered.
For family and friends Grief can't be hurried. Bereaved people need to grieve in their own way and time. Offer practical assistance for as long as it's needed. Deliver a casserole, walk the dog, shovel the walk, pick up groceries or dry cleaning, offer a lift -- and not just for the week or two after the funeral! Bereavement support is supposed to help counter the adverse effects
of losing a spouse. The wrong kind of support is worse than no support
at all. Avoid offering unwanted advice Include the bereaved person in social invitations, even if she/he refuses at first. Don't shy away from talking about the person who died. Follow the bereaved person's lead. Use phrases like "I'm sad for you", "I'll listen if you want to talk", and "I'll call tomorrow to see if you need help" instead of "I know how you feel", "Death was a blessing", and "Call me if I can help".
Notes 1 Except where noted, all figures are from Statistics Canada, The Daily, 14 October 1997, "1996 Census: Marital status, common-law unions and families"; and Catalogue no. 93F0022XDB96005, the Nation Series (1996 Census data). 2 Martin Matthews, A. Widowhood in later life (Toronto: Butterworths, 1991), p. vii. 3 McPherson, B.D. Aging as a social process. An introduction to individual and population aging, third edition (Toronto: Harcourt Brace & Company, Canada, 1998), p. 215. 4 See "Web Sites" for how to download McQueen's booklets on working through grief. 5 The TLC Group, "She cries-he sighs, gender differences and grieving patterns" (Dallas: The TLC Group, 1995). Available at www.metronet.com/tlc. 6 Bierhals, A. J. et al., "Gender differences in complicated grief among the elderly", Omega 32/4 (1995-96). 7 Davidson, K. "How older men and women reconstitute their lives after widowhood", Third European Congress of Gerontology, Ageing in a changing Europe: Choices and limitations (1995). 8 Martin Matthews states that older women, especially widows, are the poorest of all groups in the older population, and increasing age increases the risk of poverty for unattached elderly women. 9 McPherson, p. 218. 10 Kestin van den Hoonaard, D. "Older women's experiences of widowhood", project conducted through the Third Age Centre of Fredericton, New Brunswick, with funding from the National Health Research and Development Program, Seniors' Independence Research Program and Canada's Drug Strategy, Health Canada (Fredericton: 1997), p. 7. Martin Matthews (p. 73) cites other studies supporting the view that rural support networks may be sparser, but the quality and longevity of social relationships helps compensate for this. 11 See Martin Matthews, pp. 27-28. 12 See, for example, Lehman, Ellard and Wortman, "Social support for the bereaved: Recipients' and providers' perspectives on what is helpful", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 54 (1986).
The newsletter is also available on Internet:http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/seniors-aines The opinions expressed do not necessarily imply endorsement by NACA. ISSN: 0822-8213 |
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