Because Life Goes On...Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce

Introduction

"How will this affect the kids?" is one of the first questions that goes through the mind of every parent facing the end of a relationship. The answers are as diverse as children themselves. Every child reacts to separation or divorce in his or her own way.

But even though every child is unique, there are needs and feelings that most children share. This booklet will help you understand those common reactions. With this knowledge, you will be better prepared to help your children cope, adapt and move forward.

We all know that divorce is tough on kids, both during and afterwards. But how you handle the separation and divorce can make a huge difference in how well your children adapt. Studies in child development and psychology show that children and youth adapt better if you:

• try to anticipate and understand your children's feelings, and do your best to help them feel safe, loved and secure
• help your children express their feelings - children of any age cope better when they feel they are being heard
• separate your spousal relationship (which has ended) from your role as parents (which goes on)
• protect your children from conflict between you and the other parent
• help your children keep a close relationship with both of you.

These are not easy tasks - especially during a time of emotional upheaval. But no one knows your child better than you do, and no one is in a better position to provide your child with security, routine, comfort and support. The love and safety you provide for your children during this stressful time will serve them for the rest of their lives.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or an ideal family. Being a good parent doesn't mean having all the answers or solving every problem. It means demonstrating love and concern and helping children and youth understand and cope with their feelings. It means providing a safe and nurturing environment, and fostering a child's sense of trust and self-esteem.

Good parenting during separation and divorce is similar to parenting at other times. But just when children need extra attention and reassurance, your capacity may be reduced because of the stress of ending a spousal relationship. It's hard to "be there" for your kids when your own emotions are in turmoil.

The end of a spousal relationship is a very stressful and demanding time. Just as there are many times in life - such as the birth of a child or death of a parent - when some additional support or guidance can make all the difference, parents facing divorce will benefit from reaching out for the support and assistance they need.

All families, however, will benefit from taking advantage of community services and support networks. The "Resources" section will direct you to information and people who can help. If your family is dealing with violence, addiction or abandonment, locate professional guidance and support as soon as possible.

How This Booklet Is Organized

Because Life Goes On... is designed to provide parents and other adults with general information and suggestions. It also includes up-to-date resources and organizations available in your community and across Canada that can provide you with information, support and services.

Every family's experience with separation and divorce is different. There is no "typical" divorce and no "magic formula" for helping children deal with the process. The information in this booklet is not intended to fit every situation - some suggestions may apply and some may not. Use your judgement based on your family's unique situation.

The booklet is organized into six sections - each section builds on information contained before it, although you can easily jump to or read only those sections that meet your most immediate needs.

• Section 1, Parenting Through Separation and Divorce, focuses on some of the challenges that you may face as you go through the process of separation and divorce, and how you can build a support network to help yourself manage better.
• Section 2, Helping Children at Every Age, provides information on the stresses and challenges that children of all ages face during separation and divorce, and gives suggestions on how you can help your children adapt.
• Section 3, Parenting Is Forever: Developing a Cooperative Parenting Relationship, outlines some of the key tasks for parents: to protect your children from adult conflict; to enable your children to have positive relationships with both parents; and to provide your children with nurturing, security and stability.
• Section 4, A Child's Age and Stage of Development Make a Difference, is organized according to developmental stages - from infancy to adolescence. Although all children, pre-teens and adolescents share many of the same developmental goals and needs - such as a deep need to trust other people and their world - their particular age and stage of development are major factors in determining their reaction to any situation and how you can meet their needs.
• Section 5, Parenting After Separation and Divorce, looks at some of the opportunities and challenges that children and their parents face as they go on with their lives. Old relationships change and new relationships develop. This section focuses on helping children adjust to two homes, to new parental relationships, and to remarriage and blended families.
• Section 6, Resources, offers practical information on how and where to get support, assistance and information. No one should have to do it alone. Fortunately, there are resources available to help parents and children alike with their immediate and long-term needs. Whether you call a local agency, borrow a book from the library, or surf the Web, this section is designed to help you get the support you need.

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