Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: Information and Resources
Our mission is to help the people of Canada maintain and improve
their health.
Health Canada
Published by the authority of the Minister of Health
Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: Information and Resources
was prepared by Laurie Chesley, Donna MacAulay and Janice
Ristock, and edited by Cynthia Stewart.
Egalement disponible en frangais sous le titre La violence
dans les relations lesbiennes : Information et ressources
The opinions expressed in this report are those of the authors
and do not necessarily reflect the views of Health Canada.
Contents may not be reproduced for commercial purposes, but any
other reproduction, with acknowledgements, is encouraged.
This publication can be made available in alternate formats upon
request.
For further information on family violence issues, please contact:
National Clearinghouse on Family Violence
Health Canada
Public Health Agency of Canada
Health Issues Division
Address Locator: 1909D1
9th Floor, Jeanne Mance Bldg., Tunney's Pasture
Ottawa, Ontario K1A 1B4 Canada
Telephone: 1-800-267-1291 or (613) 957-2938
Fax: (613) 941-8930
FaxLink: 1-888-267-1233 or (613) 941-7285
TTY: 1-800-561-5643 or (613) 952-6396
Internet Homepage: http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn
©Minister of Public Works and Government Services Canada, 1998
Cat. H72-21/153-1998
ISBNO-662-27598-X
Acknowledgments from the Authors:
Biographies
Much of this paper has come out of the research and counselling
that we have done at the Toronto Counselling Centre for Lesbians
and Gays (now integrated into the Family Services Association).
We would like to thank the Centre for its support of our project.
In addition, we would like to thank the Ontario Women's Directorate
and the Toronto Lesbian and Gay Appeal for funding different aspects
of our work. In the preparation of the original publication, many
women provided helpful feedback; we wish to acknowledge their input
and thank them. We would also like to thank the members of the lesbian
community who completed our survey and shared information on personal
and often painful aspects of their relationships. Thanks are also
due to the women who were involved in groups that we have run at
the Centre for survivors of violence in lesbian relationships and
to clients who spoke with us individually. Their strength, courage
and commitment have served as an inspiration for this project.
Laurie C. Chesley, MSW, CSW, is a social worker and consultant
in Toronto. She continues to work with women around issues of violence
in those capacities and in her private psychotherapy practice.
Donna MacAulay, MSW, CSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice
as well as a consultant and supervisor in Toronto. She is in the
process of writing an article on her clinical experiences working
with women who have been sexually assaulted as a form of gay bashing.
Janice L. Ristock, PhD, is an associate professor and coordinator
of the Women's Studies program at The University of Manitoba. She
is continuing to research and write about abuse in lesbian relationships
as well as work with social service agencies to develop services
for lesbians.
An up-to-date listing of services and supports in major
cities across Canada is available in a resource titled, Gay
Guide Canada/98. It is available from Marginal Distribution,
Unit 102, 277 George Street, Peterborough, Ontario K9J 3G9 or by
telephone/facsimile at (705) 745-2326. Its website is www.gayguidecanada.com.
Table of Contents
- Foreword ................ 5
- Introduction............... 5
- What Is Lesbianism?.......... 6
- The Larger Social Context....... 7
- Types of Abuse............. 8
- Prevalence of Violence......... 9
- Myths about Abuse........... 10
- If You Are Being Abused ....... 11
- Getting Help............... 14
- Conclusion................ 20
- Additional Readings.......... 21
Foreword
Introduction
Violence against women has now been recognized as a significant
health issue. We are therefore pleased to have our work distributed
by the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence so that abuse in
lesbian relationships can also be recognized as a major health concern
in our communities.
This paper was first published in 1991 as a booklet entitled Abuse
in Lesbian Relationships: A Handbook of Information and Resources.
We had received a grant from the Ontario Women's Directorate
that enabled us to make the booklet available free of charge through
the Toronto Counselling Centre for Lesbians and Gays as well as
women's bookstores, bars and social service agencies throughout
Ontario.
Since the original publication was produced, there has been more
work done on the issue of abuse in lesbian relationships. We have
included many new references which reflect a growing recognition
of this issue. We have kept the content intact to provide guidelines
for lesbians, friends and helping professionals who are responding
to lesbian abuse.
This version is limited to discussing abuse in intimate relationships.
Yet violence against lesbians also occurs in other contexts, such
as lesbian bashing and heterosexual raping of lesbians. Many of
the principles that we have included will apply to these contexts,
but additional dynamics will also be present in cases of abuse against
lesbians outside their intimate relationships.
Violence in lesbian relationships is an issue that has been kept
"behind closed doors" until fairly recently. It has only
been in the recent past that women have begun to name and discuss
their abusive experiences. One reason for this may be that abuse
in general has, until recently, been hidden. But additional factors
have made it more difficult for lesbians to discuss abuse in their
relationships.
Many lesbians view lesbian relationships as a positive alternative
to heterosexual relationships. There is often an assumption that
women interact in a caring and supportive manner and therefore cannot
be abusers. Thus, abuse is thought to occur only in heterosexual
relationships. Other factors are the stereotypes and prejudices
that society has about lesbians. There is fear that open discussion
about abuse will generate even more negative images about the lesbian
community.
This report provides general information about this form of violence.
It has emerged from our work at the Toronto Counselling Centre for
Lesbians and Gays. As counsellors, we began to see more and more
women who spoke about the abuse that they experienced in their relationships.
We felt there was a need to respond to this issue, so we offered
support groups for lesbians abused by their partners. We also saw
a need to gather more information about this phenomenon. We conducted
a survey among lesbians in Toronto, distributing 550 questionnaires
to
women who were attending a talk by a well-known lesbian. We received
189 responses. In the survey, we asked whether they had ever experienced
abuse in a lesbian relationship, the types of abuse experienced,
community responses, services used, and their opinions as to the
resources needed to understand and respond to this issue.
Although our research is limited and not generalizable because
it relies on a non-random sample and self-reporting measures, it
provides certain insights into the dynamics of lesbian abuse, and
our findings will be discussed throughout the paper.
This paper is written for lesbians who have been in abusive relationships,
for friends and families, for lesbian organizations, and for those
who work in the area of violence against women. We have used the
word "lesbian" as well as "woman" in order to
acknowledge that not all women in same-sex intimate relationships
identify as lesbian.
Our objective in this work is to bring assault "out of the
closet" and to provide preliminary guidelines for responding
to this issue. Our examination of violence in lesbian relationships
begins by addressing the diversity of lesbian experience and the
social context surrounding lesbianism.
What Is Lesbianism?
Lesbians are women who have primary intimate/sexual relationships
with other women. Approximately 10% to 15% of all women in Canada
identify themselves as lesbians. Lesbians are present within every
race, religion, socioeconomic background, occupation, political
affiliation, age and category of physical and mental ability.
Likewise, there is a great deal of diversity in the physical appearances
of lesbians. There are no physical characteristics that distinguish
a lesbian. Her appearance, like that of her heterosexual counterpart,
may or may not reflect current fashion, age, economic ability or
personal preference. It is therefore difficult if not impossible
to make generalizations about lesbians as a group.
Stereotypical assumptions about lesbians include the following:
(1) That lesbians are masculine-looking or "butch" in
appearance. False. In fact, as mentioned, lesbians fit all
physical descriptions.
(2) That lesbians can be classified into two categories - either
"butch" (masculine in appearance) or "femme"
(stereotypically feminine in appearance). False. Most lesbians
do not explicitly adopt "roles" in their relationships.
As in the heterosexual population, there is a full range of roles
that might be adhered to within a lesbian relationship.
6
(3) That lesbians are all feminists. False. Many lesbians
are feminists, but feminism is a political perspective that some
lesbians do not share.
(4) That all lesbians are men-haters. False. A lesbian
identity means that you choose to have a primary relationship with
another woman. Attitudes toward men vary in the lesbian population
as in the heterosexual population, but they do not determine a lesbian
identity.
(5) That all lesbians are promiscuous. False. Lesbian relationships
are varied, just as are heterosexual relationships. Some lesbian
relationships are monogamous, while others are non-monogamous. Some
are short-term while others may be long-term unions.
These are only some of the stereotypes. They are erroneous and
misleading. They are generalizations that cannot be applied to all
lesbians. No one set of characteristics defines the diversity of
lesbian experience.
However, despite this diversity, there are some common elements
that may distinguish lesbians from heterosexual women. In most urban
centres there are lesbian bars, services, clubs and groups where
lesbians can share and celebrate their identities as women who love
women. Within the lesbian community, there are sub-groups who share
similar interests, cultural heritage, politics, activities and friendships.
Often, lesbians know one another from contact and visibility in
the lesbian community. As in heterosexual society, lesbian women
are diverse in their backgrounds, ages, lifestyles, appearance,
social experiences, culture and relationships.
The Larger Social Context
The larger context of lesbians' lives must always be acknowledged
in our efforts to understand and speak generally about violence
in lesbian relationships. Violence among lesbians may be rooted
in social conditions such as hatred of women (misogyny) and fear
of homosexuals (homophobia). It is also linked to other forms of
domination within our society, such as racism and classism.
These structures of dominance can provide the framework that allows
for and supports oppressive relations between people. For instance,
in our society, women often experience being devalued or seen as
sexual objects or property. Lesbians are often ostracized, discriminated
against and seen as sexual deviants, threatening the social and
moral fabric of patriarchal society. This may be in addition to
and interwoven with racist and classist discrimination against some
lesbians. These reinforcing ideologies of oppression are internalized
by all of us - lesbians, gays and heterosexuals. Approximately 30%
of the respondents to our survey named homophobia and isolation
as factors which they felt contributed to the abuse.
Anger, fear and rage can be misdirected at partners who can come
to represent the things we have been taught to hate in ourselves
and fear in our culture where heterosexist and misogynist views
exist. Lesbians, like all others in society, are also products of
their upbringing. They could have been exposed to role models who
displayed unhealthy patterns of dealing with conflict and anger.
They could have learned
about relationships from abusive families. They may not have learned
how to be in an intimate and caring relationship.
Similarly, lesbians may learn from their families and from society
that violence can be used as a means to gain and maintain control
over another. Some lesbians may choose to exercise their need for
power and control within their intimate relationships. Thus, reflective
of existing social norms, hierarchies and abuses of power, entitlement,
ownership and control can exist in lesbian relationships. Our view
of violence in lesbian relationships extends a feminist analysis
of violence by looking at other factors in addition to sexism and
patriarchy. The focus of our analysis is on imbalances of power,
the desire to control others and the ways in which individuals choose
to deal with these factors and use opportunities to be violent.
Types of Abuse
"Abuse" is a pattern of behaviour in which physical
violence and/or emotional coercion is used to gain or maintain power
or control in a relationship. A single incident of assault also
constitutes abuse.
The following are examples of abuse:
physical: hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, choking,
biting, burning, shoving, using objects or weapons, locking up or
confining, interfering with sleeping or eating, restricting the
mobility or access of a differently abled partner
sexual: forcing sexual acts; sexual assault with or without
weapons or objects used as weapons; assault for refusal to engage
in sexual activity
psychological or emotional: repetitive and excessive criticism,
humiliation and degradation, which can include swearing, name calling
and put-downs; restricting or controlling access to personal or
social resources or friends; homophobic, racist, misogynistic attacks
(degrading and hostile remarks about your sexual orientation, heritage
or gender); threats or harm to pets
threats: direct intentions to harm you, your family or
friends; threats that affect child custody, legal, immigration or
sponsorship status; threats to reveal lesbian identity against your
wishes
8
economic: controlling finances, stealing money, creating
debt, interfering with employment or education
property destruction: destruction of property or personal
items
stalking/harassing behaviour: following; appearing unexpectedly
at or waiting outside workplace or home; repeated phone calls or
mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues.
Prevalence of Violence
There are no reliable statistics that clearly demonstrate the
scope of this problem. Studies have attempted to identify the incidence
of lesbian violence, but there has been little consistency in the
results. Lesbians must often rely on anecdotal reports to fully
appreciate the scope of abuse within the lesbian community. The
results from our survey indicate that 66% of the respondents (125
of 189) knew of lesbians who had experienced abuse in their relationships.
Of our respondents, 37 of the 189 perceived themselves as having
been subjected to abuse. This was predominantly described as having
taken the form of psychological or emotional abuse. Of these same
respondents, 20 reported some type of physical assault by a partner,
and four women indicated they had been sexually assaulted within
the relationship.
Of the women who identified abuse in their relationships, 38%
sought counselling to deal with the violence. However, few lesbians
turned to traditional social, medical or legal services. For example,
none of the respondents turned to the police, shelters or distress
lines. Only six (16%) who identified abuse in their relationships
sought help from legal and medical services. The majority of respondents
stated that social service workers, health care officials and police
need to be educated in order to address the problem.
The majority of our survey respondents were white, middle-class,
able-bodied lesbians. This sample is not representative of the cultural
and socioeconomic diversity among lesbians. In addition, our small
sample does not provide enough information for us to make accurate
and conclusive comments about abuse within the general lesbian population.
Our research must be viewed as a preliminary look at this issue.
Myths about Abuse
There are many myth-based explanations for abuse in lesbian relationships.
Generally, these myths reflect and perpetuate stereotypes, fears
and prejudices.
The following are some of the more common myths:
Lesbian relationships are never abusive. False. Despite
an assumption that lesbians are caring and supportive to one another,
violence does exist in some relationships.
Lesbian violence occurs only in "butch" and "femme"
relationships. The "butch" is the batterer and the "femme"
the victim. False. Beyond the fact that most lesbians do not
assume explicitly butch-femme roles, the roles themselves do not
automatically dictate who has more power or desire to exercise more
control in the relationship.
Abuse between lesbians is mutual. Both partners contribute
equally to the violence. False. This view stems from the belief
that lesbian relationships are always equal partnerships. In violent
relationships there is often a perpetrator and a victim. A perpetrator
cannot be distinguished by any features such as size, height or
age. Defending oneself against an attacker must be examined closely
as it may be mistakenly construed either as initiating or equally
contributing to abuse.
10
Abusive lesbian relationships involve apolitical lesbians or
lesbians who are part of the lesbian bar culture. False. In
fact, violence in lesbian relationships is not limited to any
particular "type" of lesbians. Abuse cuts across the lines
of race, class, age, political affiliation and interests.
Lesbian violence is caused by substance abuse, stress, childhood
violence or provocation. False. Although such factors may help
explain why an abuser acts the way she does, there is no simple
cause-and-effect relationship. An abuser has choices. She is responsible
for her behaviour and she can control it. There is no excuse or
justification for violence.
The following sections are intended to provide specific guidelines
for lesbians, friends and families, and for professionals who are
responding to the abuse.
If You Are Being Abused
The Cycle of Abuse
Many women do not recognize when a pattern of abuse has developed
in their relationship. Rather, they perceive abusive behaviours
as isolated incidents that are unrelated to one another. Yet abuse
can often happen in cycles, so that abusive episodes are interspersed
with calm, loving periods, characteristic of those positive things
that initially drew the two women together. However, the pattern
that develops can become predictable and a source of tension even
when an episode of abuse is not taking place.
The cycle of abuse can be described as follows. Tension may emerge
within a relationship -for example, in the form of minor disagreements.
The tension will continue to build over hours, days, perhaps months,
until an "explosion" occurs. This will be some form of
physical, psychological or sexual assault. A period of calm may
follow. The abuser may buy her partner gifts or do something special
for her. Often, she will feel sorry for what has happened. But gradually
this will change. More small incidents will occur, tension will
increase and the cycle will begin again. Both partners want to believe
that each incident of abuse will not happen again. But it usually
does.
Some women, however, may never experience a cycle, or pattern,
to the abuse. Sometimes abusive incidents happen without any warning
signs or build-up, or there may
11
be no periods of calm and no remorse shown by the abuser. In other
instances, tension is always present. But because there can be a
pattern to the abuse, there are signs that can alert you to take
action to keep yourself as safe as possible.
There are some cues which might help you identify the onset of
an abusive incident:
Think about and take notice of your partner's actions that have
led to abuse in the past. Examples may include the kinds of things
your partner says, the manner in which she says them or acts toward
you, or specific activities (e.g., drinking) or actions (e.g., slamming
or throwing things).
Pay attention to your own internal signals that alert you to danger.
Examples of this may be increased fear, tension, worry and edginess,
or abrupt changes in what you do or say because you are afraid of
your partner's response.
Effects of Abuse
What we already know about the effects of abuse against women
in heterosexual relationships has some relevance in anticipating
the consequences for a lesbian who is abused by her partner. In
addition, factors of homophobia and internalized oppression need
to be recognized as compounding the effects. Physical injuries can
result, some causing long-term health problems. Physical abuse is
almost always accompanied by forms of emotional abuse (beyond the
inherently emotionally abusive nature of the physical abuse itself).
In fact, abuse can be predominantly or exclusively emotional and
psychological in nature. A woman's reactions to abuse may be immediately
evident or may persist long after the abuse has stopped. Her reaction
is especially linked to how other individuals respond, as well as
to how the community at large responds to disclosures about the
abuse.
At times, it can be difficult to disentangle the emotional effects
of abuse from other factors women may be struggling to overcome.
Some of the common effects of abuse that women report include:
Self-blame. Most women who are abused believe that they
have caused the abuse and can somehow stop it. A woman may feel
like a failure for not making the relationship work.
Anxiety, tension, low energy, depression, insomnia, change
in appetite
Physical aches and pains (such as headaches) or other difficulties
not directly caused by physical injury
Shame. She will likely feel shame about what has happened,
which may prevent her from confiding in anyone.
Low self-esteem and lack of confidence. There are almost
always feelings of intense worthlessness and inadequacy as a result
of abuse. These feelings may generalize to other areas of her life,
affecting her belief in her self-worth and ability to manage her
life. Some lesbians already have a negative self-image that comes
from internalizing the social messages that degrade and reject lesbianism.
This alone may prevent a woman from seeking help or telling others
about the abuse. It is possible she may come to believe that because
she is lesbian she somehow deserves abuse and does not deserve help.
These feelings can be compounded for lesbians of other ethnic groups
and differently-abled lesbians.
Sense of hopelessness or helplessness.
She may feel increasingly powerless if her efforts to stop the
abuse fail.
Anger. She may have difficulty expressing her anger about
the abuse. She may also turn the feelings of anger toward herself.
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Isolation from others. She may isolate herself or feel
isolated from her friends, family, resources and communities (e.g.,
ethnic, racial, religious or social communities). Her isolation
might stem from the threats and manipulation of the abuser, from
a desire to keep the nature of the relationship secret, or from
a sense of shame about the abuse taking place.
Fear that the abuse will not be acknowledged by others. Some
women have found that when they did tell others about the abuse,
the violence was condoned, minimized or excused. This left them
without immediate resources and with the belief that there was something
wrong with themselves.
Fear of future incidents of violence by the abuser
Self-regulation and hyper-vigilance.
She may restrict or modify her actions and words as an attempt
to prevent further abuse.
Avoidance of social situations. If she has
left the abusive relationship, she may avoid activities that might
bring her into contact with her former abusive partner. She may
also avoid situations in which there are mutual friends who may
be unsupportive or wish to remain neutral.
For Emergencies
Your personal safety is of first concern. When your partner has
been violent or you believe she may become violent, have a safety
plan for yourself in mind. Abuse does not have to be a direct
physical assault on you. Psychological assault can be as frightening
and devastating. Your safety plan applies in these situations as
well.
You may choose to follow any or all of these steps:
Leave the situation. Go to the nearest safe place and call
for help.
Call the police (911). Assault is a crime and charges may
be laid. You can request that police be in attendance to keep the
peace while you leave or return at a later time to collect your
belongings.
Have a bag packed and ready to go.
Keep a small amount of money, identification, credit cards, extra
car keys and clothing readily available. You may want to have this
hidden outside your home or left with someone you trust.
Memorize important telephone numbers.
Have a place in mind where you can stay.
Contact the assaulted women's helpline in your area.
Go to a shelter for assaulted women.
Take your children with you. They need protection. They
may be in danger of being harmed by your partner.
It is important to know you may not get emergency help that is
sensitive to your situation or your sexual orientation. Emergency
service personnel may not be sensitive to lesbian issues or understanding
of women generally. Be prepared for this.
13
Getting Help
A. It is important that you seek further support after the
initial crisis.
Tell someone what is happening to you. You need not be
isolated. Get support from friends, family, lesbian or gay organizations,
and/or assaulted women's helplines and services. Some of the people
close to you may not know how to respond or may not want to take
sides by openly supporting you. Seek out someone who can support
you. Remember, it is important that you have someone safe to talk
to. If you live in a smaller community with few resources, you may
need to seek help outside of the usual resources.
Learn about other resources in your community in case you need
to use them. You may require the services of a medical centre,
employment agency, child care centre, etc. It is important to know
of these resources and how you can use them.
Find out your legal rights. You may need police or legal
protection. These services may be intimidating, so, if possible,
take someone with you for support. Legal Aid services are available
if you cannot afford a lawyer. Information about Legal Aid is available
through legal clinics.
Seek counselling. It is important that you find a counsellor
who is knowledgeable and empathetic to lesbian issues and experienced
in working in the area of violence against women. A counsellor can
help you locate other resources that you may need. Available at
most women's bookstores are handbooks about how to choose a counsellor.
Join a support group. The best group to join is one specifically
for lesbians who are survivors of relationship abuse. However, such
a group may not be available in your area. It is not known whether
general groups for assaulted women would be supportive of a lesbian
member. Joining such a group would have to be carefully considered.
It would require active and willing advocacy by the facilitator,
as well as a willingness by the facilitator to educate the group
members about lesbianism and the similarities and differences between
the issues you are dealing with and those the heterosexual members
experience.
Remain active. Stay involved in personal activities and
interests as much as possible to reduce your isolation and to increase
your self-confidence and independence.
Remember:
You cannot control or change your partner's behaviour.
She must take responsibility for her actions.
No one has the right to abuse you.
You do not have to be alone when dealing with abuse.
You can tell someone what is happening to you.
B. Friends or Relatives Can Help.
If a woman who is being abused comes to you for help, you can:
Listen to her. Let her talk about what happened. Recognize
that no one has the right to abuse someone else.
Do not offer excuses for the violence and do not minimize the
seriousness of what has happened.
Don't worry about "taking sides" if you know and
care about both of the women involved. It is not taking sides
to give support and to help your friend find resources that can
assist her.
14
Respect her confidentiality.
Help her find a safe place to stay. Her
safety is of utmost importance. In the crisis of the moment, it
will be helpful for you to stay calm and assist her in identifying
options, such as a shelter.
Support her if she decides to call the police. Help her
locate additional resources such as legal information and counselling.
Be clear about the limits to which you are willing to be involved
and in what ways you can help. Do not breach her trust. Let
her know if you intend to do anything and, if so, what.
Be supportive of her decisions even if you might not totally
agree with them, unless of course these decisions are clearly dangerous,
harmful or illegal.
Be respectful. Don't be offended if your advice is not
followed.
Examine your own feelings and responses. If you are a lesbian
this may be a difficult issue to face. You may feel more comfortable
explaining away the incident than acknowledging that violence can
occur in lesbian relationships. If you are not a lesbian, examine
your assumptions. They may reflect an adherence to certain myths
about lesbian relationships.
According to our survey results, almost one third of abusers also
turned to friends for help. If someone who has been abusive confides
in you:
Let her know that her violence and abuse are unacceptable.
Perpetrators often believe that an apology will solve the problem.
It does not.
Support her and encourage her to get help for herself. She
must take responsibility for changing her behaviour.
Assist her in finding a counsellor, support group or other
community resources that work with abusers. She
needs help to understand the consequences of her violent behaviour
and to control it. She may link issues such as substance use, a
history of childhood abuse or other stressors to her own abusiveness.
These are not excuses or causes for an abuser's violence, but are
issues that will also need attention.
Remain in contact with her and provide continued support for
her getting help and stopping her violent behaviour. The community
may isolate her because of her behaviour and she may withdraw without
seeking the help that she requires.
C. If You Are Abusive
Your abusiveness represents many emotions. You may think that
you are only feeling angry. You are not. You are probably feeling
many intense emotions such as vulnerability, anxiety, fear, confusion
and helplessness. When you use violence to deal with your uncomfortable
feelings, it is to feel in control again and it is at someone else's
expense. Unless you deal with the feelings underlying your violence,
it is likely that your violent behaviour will be repeated.
The following are some of the things you need to do to stop your
abusive behaviour.
Take responsibility and be accountable for your actions. Stop
blaming your partner or other factors in your life, such as alcohol,
drugs, job stress, life problems or your past. She is not responsible
for them. Your partner does not make you act violently. You choose
to be violent. You can also learn to be non-violent. Apologizing
and being sorry is not the answer. "Making up" is only
a temporary response and it does not prevent further violent episodes.
Your partner does not want to be harmed and it
15
is likely that she will leave you if you continue. If you want
a healthy relationship, you have to change for good.
Recognize you are committing a crime.
Assault is against the law and you can be charged. You do not
have the right to abuse your partner.
Seek the help of a counsellor. You can
change. You will need help to understand and stop your violent
behaviour and to learn new ways of coping. You will have to confront
and deal with the various problems you have used to excuse your
behaviour, such as blaming your partner, alcohol, drugs or an unhappy
childhood.
Learn to behave differently. You may
use a variety of excuses to explain away your violence. A common
excuse is "I lost control". There is no justifiable excuse
or explanation for violence. Violence is a dangerous and frightening
means you use to take control of a situation and to have control
over your partner. Abusiveness is not limited to physically striking
out. Being emotionally cruel and demeaning to your partner is extremely
hurtful and is as harmful as physical assault. You can learn new
ways to deal with your feelings. Some initial steps that you can
take are to:
Think back to incidents when you have been violent. Identify
what was happening, what you were thinking and feeling and what
you were doing before becoming violent.
Learn to recognize signs or signals that indicate when you
may become abusive. Take alternate actions, such as leaving
the situation immediately, calling a distress line or seeing a counsellor.
Leave the relationship if necessary to stop your abusiveness.
D. How Professionals Can Respond
It is vital that professionals and caregivers examine their own
perceptions and feelings about lesbians, and that they acknowledge
and deal with any homophobic feelings they may have. It is essential
that we scrutinize our responses in order to change those based
on negative stereotypes and ignorance.
In abusive situations, a major difference between lesbians and
heterosexuals is the impact of the social and political surroundings
- which include the reality of homophobia and heterosexism.
Homophobia is the irrational and often unconscious fear
and hatred of lesbians and gay men, and the fear of getting close
to someone of the same gender. For instance, it is homophobic to
subscribe to myths about lesbians or to approach the process of
helping a lesbian without acknowledging the positive aspects of
her identification and, instead, over-focusing on the negatives.
Heterosexism is based in the structures and institutions
of our society, which establish and perpetuate heterosexuality as
the norm. One example of heterosexism is the pervasiveness of questions
on forms that assume everyone is heterosexual (e.g., "what
is your marital status?").
Homophobia and heterosexism affect all of us - whether we are
lesbian, gay or heterosexual, whether we are in an abusive situation
or not, whether we are friends, social service providers, health
care workers, police, legal workers or judges.
When working with lesbians in abusive relationships, it is important
to remember that the many reasons for staying in an abusive situation
are similar for lesbians and heterosexual women.
16
The abusing partner may be charming, emotionally supportive, nurturing,
friendly and sociable between abusive episodes. Just as in heterosexual
relationships, there may be economic factors that prevent the abused
woman from leaving. She may continue to blame herself for the abuse,
or believe that if she keeps trying hard enough to understand and
care for the abuser, she can make the abuse stop.
However, there are many additional reasons that keep lesbians
in abusive situations, including the issues of disclosure and fear
of facing additional hardships as a result of disclosure of sexual
orientation. At times, internalized homophobia can significantly
impair a lesbian's self-esteem. Internalized homophobia means
believing that the negative stereotypes and myths about one's own
lesbianism are true. Fear of homophobic responses, as well as internalized
homophobia, can isolate lesbian couples and add considerable stress
to their relationships. Fear of homophobia affects an abused lesbian's
ability to turn to social services and legal systems. It increases
her fears that she will not be believed, that there will not be
an adequate response to the abuse, and that she or her partner will
somehow be punished for being lesbians.
Further, a lesbian may believe that women are not abusive and
she will therefore excuse or deny the violence. For the lesbian
who is abused, leaving the partner or giving up on the relationship
may feel to her as if she is giving in to the negative stereotype
that lesbian relationships are pathological or transitory.
The following are Guidelines and Special Considerations for
Working with Lesbians:
1. Do not assume that an abused woman's partner is male.
In the first contacts with you, a lesbian may disguise the gender
of the abuser. She is more likely to reveal that the abusive partner
is another woman once the helping process is underway, and particularly
if you use language that demonstrates that you do not automatically
assume that the abusive partner is male and that you do not judge
her choice.
2. Upon disclosure, it is very important that you impart
an attitude of acceptance about her sexual orientation and continue
to support her in her acceptance of herself as a lesbian. A
lesbian may be mistrustful of any helpers she perceives as homophobic.
She may also be more likely to seek out a female rather than a male
helper. A clinical issue that may arise is initial wariness and
mistrust of female helpers because of her experience of abuse by
her female partner.
3. Be aware of the prevailing myths about lesbian relationships.
4. The first priority is to assess safety issues and
to help set up a protection plan.
5. Document the abuse and begin to address the medical
and legal issues as you would with any assaulted woman.
6. A lesbian who has been abused will likely be anxious
over confidentiality about her sexual orientation. Her choice
to make disclosures to family, caregivers, children, friends, co-workers
or members of her ethnic or racial group is hers and hers alone.
Her choices need to be respected and supported. Reassurances that
you will respect
17
and honour her choices over disclosure will need to be repeated.
Be aware that:
. she may not feel able to turn to her family for support if she
has not disclosed her lesbianism to them, or if she has received
a negative reaction;
. she may fear that they will condemn her orientation along with
the relationship;
. she may also be afraid that she will cause her family grief
over disclosure of her lesbianism; and
. she may be fearful of losing her job if her lesbianism comes
to light in the process of dealing with the abuse.
A lesbian will need additional support and counselling regarding
disclosure of her sexual orientation in order for her to access
shelters, the police and the legal system. Most shelters do not
have policies and procedures that would guarantee the lesbian a
safe place or automatically keep the abuser from finding her or
gaining admission to the shelter - although they will take such
steps once they are aware of the woman's situation. Nor is there
any guarantee that there will be non-judgmental, non-homophobic
responses by police or legal workers. Advocacy might be an important
part of your work. Be aware, for example that:
. she may have well-grounded fears about losing custody of her
children or her partner's children;
. she may fear loss of her immigration or sponsorship status;
and
. lesbians of other racial groups may fear racist and discriminatory
responses.
7. Self-blame, guilt and shame are common emotional responses
for women abused in their relationships. These will be primary
issues to address in counselling the client. She will need to talk
in detail and to express the multitude of feelings she has about
what has happened to her. To do so, she must feel that she is in
a safe, accepting environment. She needs to know that she is
not to blame for being abused. She will want to gain an understanding
of her situation and continue to make choices about what she is
going to do.
It can be helpful for the woman to know she is not isolated in
her experience, that others have similarly been abused. It is also
helpful for her to understand abuse as a means for her partner to
gain and maintain power and control over her. Underscoring all your
work with the client is the need to assist her to regain self-esteem
and confidence so she can come to be in control of her own life
again.
8. Be aware that within lesbian communities there may
be some idealization of women and lesbian relationships.
Consequently, there can be either a reluctance to recognize or
a minimization of the seriousness of abusive relationships.
9. Sexual assault and sexual coercion (or coercion to
take part in sexual activity) are not uncommon forms of abuse. This
is an important area for caregivers to explore and to give the
abused woman permission to talk about. We have found it particularly
hard for lesbians to disclose this form of abuse, just as it is
difficult for heterosexual women to talk about it. Caregivers not
only have to be comfortable themselves in exploring this aspect
of abuse but need to be prepared to return to these questions with
the client as she may initially be reticent to discuss it.
10. It may be helpful to consult with a lesbian therapist
who is knowledgeable about abuse.
11. The matter of establishing supportive social networks
needs to be considered.
Within the lesbian community, resources that can help the client
may be available. Referral to a support group for lesbians who have
been abused is desirable. At present, not many groups of this nature
exist. Therefore, if a
18
lesbian asks to be part of a group that is primarily composed
of heterosexual women, it is essential that group leaders support
her in the group. They must be prepared to respond by raising lesbian
issues in the group. The group needs to be adequately informed that
abuse occurs across sexual preferences as well as across racial
and class lines and that homophobia, as well as misogyny, oppresses
all women. Consider the following when establishing supportive networks:
. You can educate yourself about lesbianism and resources within
the lesbian community that your client can use for support.
. Your client may not identify herself as a lesbian, but rather
may see herself as loving a particular woman. She may therefore
lack some of the supports available in the lesbian community.
. With some women of other racial or ethnic groups, the primary
identification may be racial or ethnic. Lesbian identification may
not be as relevant.
. Disabled lesbians need even more support given the experience
they often report of being oppressed and devalued by sexism, heterosexism
and ableism.
12. If you do couple counselling with lesbians, interview the
partners separately if you suspect that there is abuse in their
relationship. When violence has been disclosed, do not engage
in couple counselling unless the abuse has stopped for a reasonable
period of time, the abuser is receiving help, and the partner is
no longer afraid of her. Otherwise, you risk perpetuating the abuse.
Educate yourself. Know that lesbians belong to every race, class,
age and profession. Learn about the positive aspects of lesbianism
and the array of services that exist as part of the lesbian culture.
Knowledge of the positive aspects of being lesbian and "lesbian
pride" is essential if we are to eliminate the social causes
of abuse in lesbian relationships.
We encourage shelters, helplines and professional associations
to have educational materials, discussions and workshops about lesbianism,
unlearning homophobia and heterosexism. Work toward creating an
atmosphere where gay and lesbian colleagues can be comfortable and
open about their orientation. This will enhance the response to
the problem of abuse in relationships.
19
Conclusion
We have only begun to scratch the surface of a complex and deep-seated
issue. Although our research findings are preliminary, this may
be a first step toward understanding abuse in lesbian relationships.
It is important that we continue to name the violence in lesbian
relationships. We must also continue to combat heterosexism, racism
and homophobia, as well as explore the effects of internalized homophobia
and misogyny on lesbian relationships.
More specifically, our survey results indicate a need for many
services and resources in order to respond adequately to this issue.
Many lesbians mentioned the need to educate the lesbian community,
as well as to develop appropriate social, medical and legal services
that address abuse in lesbian relationships.
Women also expressed a need for self-help groups and treatment
groups for victims of violence and for perpetrators of violence.
Shelters that are safe for lesbians are also needed, in addition
to other specialized services such as legal clinics and counselling
centres that are informed and supportive. Overall, much work is
still needed to respond to this issue. It is unlikely that separate
specialized services for lesbians can be developed across the country;
therefore, it is incumbent upon existing social service agencies
to respond to this issue. This can include hiring "out"
lesbians, creating a safer environment for lesbians - as clients
and staff - and engaging in public education campaigns that acknowledge
lesbian abuse.
Above all, lesbians who are being abused need safety and support.
Abusers must take responsibility for their behaviour and get help.
Professionals and caregivers must acknowledge this issue and ensure
that their services meet the needs of lesbians. Friends and families
need to become aware of how they can be supportive.
Violence in lesbian relationships is part of the continuum of
violence against women in our society. We all have to break the
silence and address abuse in lesbian relationships. Only then can
we stop the cycle of violence.
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Additional Readings
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and Policy Makers. Paper presented at the Third National Conference
for Family Violence Researchers, Durham, N.H.
Brandt, P. & Kidd, A. (1986). Frequency of Physical Aggression
in Heterosexual and Female Homosexual Dyads. Psychological Reports,
59, 1307-1313.
Carlson, B. (1992). Questioning the Party Line on Family Violence.
Affilia, 7, 94-110.
Elliot, Pam (Ed.) (1990). Confronting Lesbian Battering: A
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Faulkner, Ellen (1991). Lesbian abuse: The social and legal realities.
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Herek, G.M. & Berrill, K.T. (Eds.) (1992). Hate Crimes:
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Newbury Park: Sage Publications.
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Renzetti, C.M. (1989). Building a second closet: Third party responses
to victims of lesbian partner abuse. Family Relations, 38,
157-163.
Renzetti, C.M. (1988). Violence in lesbian relationships: A preliminary
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lesbian relationships. Canadian Woman Studies, 12, (1).
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Rothblum, R.E. and Cole, E. (Eds.). (1989). Loving Boldly:
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& Reyes, Lynn (1991). Intergenerational transmission of violence
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West, Angela (1992). Prosecutorial activism: Confronting heterosexism
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