TORONTO (CP) - Arguing about how to meet the payments on their ever growing mountain of debt was a marriage-threatening issue for Bill and Tasia Fehr.
They owed about $20,000 on credit cards, and their relationship was crumbling under the stress of endless bickering about how to pay it back.
"We were drowning in debt," says Tasia, 38, who lives with her husband Bill, 39, and their two young children in suburban Scarborough.
The couple, who had agreed that Tasia would stay at home to look after the kids, were trying to live on Bill's part-time income from the Post Office while he worked at getting his own business off the ground.
But "a bunch of things that happened led us to have too much credit card debt," said Tasia. "My husband got in an accident. We had to use our credit cards. So we fell behind."
Nell and Darrell Ross, 46, who also live in Toronto with their daughter, found themselves in dire straits after buying their first home. Their financial situation became so desperate that "we thought we were going to separate," says 43-year-old Nell.
Their credit card debt quickly piled up to the tune of about $60,000. "We needed a lot of money to furnish the house," said Ross.
They also had a problem with the basement - a leak underneath. "It really put us into trouble fixing it," said Ross.
The Rosses and the Fehrs are not alone. Statistics indicate that "70 per cent of us are spending more than our gross income every year," says Gail Vaz-Oxlade, host of the Life Network program "Til Debt Do Us Part," which recently won a Gemini award for best Lifestyle/Practical Information Series.
Couples can rarely agree on how to divide up the pot and pay the bills, said Vaz-Oxlade, whose program, now in its second season, is also carried by the AmericanLife TV Network in the United States. "One is often a spender and the other a saver, or one's a planner and the other isn't."
Huge debt loads lead to arguments, tears, tantrums and in many cases divorce, said Vaz-Oxlade, who has written 10 books on personal finance and who describes herself as a "detonator" of debt.
Money problems are the number 1 cause of failed marriages, according to the show's producers. In fact, 90 per cent of marriage breakups are due to money problems, they say in an overview of the program.
The Rosses and the Fehrs eventually sought help to try to understand why their debt load was going up and to save their troubled relationships.
They both found themselves on Vaz-Oxlade's doorstep - the Rosses in particular after other agencies proved unhelpful. The Rosses e-mailed Vaz-Oxlade after seeing an ad about her program on a city bus, and the Fehrs got in touch after noticing an ad in a newspaper.
Episode directors then interviewed the couples, and they were eventually approved to appear on the program.
Four segments - to fill 21 minutes of air time - were shot over a period of four weeks to show how the couples were progressing, said Vaz-Oxlade. "Research shows that it takes 27 days to create a new habit."
During that time both on the program and in behind-the-scenes question-and-answer sessions, Vaz-Oxlade said she works to bring to couples "a very holistic approach that talks about balancing money and life, and paying what you owe and saving what you can."
To make it work, she said, "there has to be an acceptance of the hole that they're digging ... It's not hopeless, but people have to tighten their belts."
The Fehrs and Rosses say her approach has worked, although Nell Ross says her husband "was kind of hesitant to open up" their books in such a public way. "It was very intimidating" at the beginning.
"We were spending about $5,000 a month," said Tasia Fehr. Vaz-Oxlade cut it down to about $2,500.
Four jars with so much money in each were designated for "our variable expenses - clothing, transportation, food and entertainment," said Nell Ross. "With the four jars we can manage it variably. We learned to do that, which is very, very helpful" in controlling our spending.
It was a painful process, though, and filled with resentment. "My husband, one week he said I can't wait until Friday because Friday is our cut-off day," she said.
"By Wednesday, we didn't have any more money" and he found it hard to wait until Friday to refill the jars. Before, it didn't matter what day it was, "we needed to spend."
The Fehrs also found it hard going at first. Vaz-Oxlade wanted them to sell their stocks and put the money toward debt reduction. "I was thinking that doesn't make sense," said Tasia Fehr. "Why would I sell my shares when it's generally recommended ... to wait."
At first, "I wanted to wring her neck," chuckled Tasia. "But I got over that. By the end of the last episode, I saw the big picture. You could see that this was going to be very helpful." Both couples are glad they stuck it out. They're still using the jars to maintain discipline in their spending.
They also each received a $5,000 prize at the end for successfully applying Vaz-Oxlade's methods - those who don't quite measure up get lesser amounts.
Tasia Fehr said her relationship with her husband has improved. "We don't argue as much about money as we used to ... We don't have any more credit card debt and have managed to pay down the mortgage."
Nell Ross is also upbeat. "We can now share problems with family," she said.
"When we were in trouble we kept it quiet. We wanted to hide somewhere. But now it's out in the open and we've got more respect than ever before."
By the way, the Fehrs used their $5,000 to reduce their debt. The Rosses had "a getaway weekend."
