The Abuse of Parents by their Teenage Children
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Our mission is to help the people
of Canada
maintain and improve their health.
Health Canada
Parent Abuse:The Abuse of Parents by Their Teenage Children
was prepared by Barbara Cottrell for the Family Violence
Prevention Unit, Health Canada.
Également en français sous le titre Violence à
l’égard des parents : les mauvais traitements infligés
aux parents par leurs adolescents
The opinions expressed in this report are those of the author and
do not necessarily reflect the views of Health Canada.
Contents may not be reproduced for commercial purposes, but any
other reproduction, with acknowledgements, is encouraged. This publication
may be provided in alternate formats upon request. For further information
on family violence issues, please contact:
The National Clearinghouse on Family
Violence
Family Violence Prevention Unit
Health Issues Division
Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC)
Health Canada
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© Her Majesty the Queen in Right
of Canada, 2001
Cat. H72-21/180-2000E
ISBN 0-662-29529-3
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Acknowledgements |
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Introduction |
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What is Parent Abuse? |
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Who is Likely to be
Violent? |
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Who is Being Abused? |
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What is the Effect
on the Family? |
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Why is the Abuse Happening? |
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Ending the Abuse |
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Ultimate Goal: Regaining
Control and Healing the Relationship |
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Help for the Abusive
Youth |
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Final Note |
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Bibliography |
Acknowledgements
I am deeply grateful for the exceptional ideas,
guidance and support of the members of the Parent Abuse Project
Advisory Committee, a sub-Committee of the Committee Against Woman
Abuse. Diane Kays, a therapist with the Family Service Association
of the Halifax Regional Municipality, first identified parent abuse
as an issue we should explore. Diane and Glenda Hayden, a therapist
with the Avalon Sexual Assault Centre, provided much of the background
discussion and ideas for the sections on counselling and therapy.
Darlene MacLean, the Assistant Program Coordinator and Bookkeeper
at the Bayers Westwood Family Resource Centre, offered her personal
and professional reflections into the problem; Anne Goodwill's sharp
eyes kept us from making mistakes, and Linda Roberts, the Multi-Service
Coordinator at the Captain William Spry Community Centre, contributed
her organizational wisdom and expertise.
I would also like to thank the many
concerned parents, professionals and youth who generously contributed
time and expertise to this project. Parent Abuse:The Abuse of
Parents by Their Teenage Children is based on what they told
us. Thanks also to Mary Anne Finlayson, Christy Nickerson and Margo
Wheaton for their invaluable input into the research and writing,
to Jeanette Tobin, Nova Scotia Drug Dependency, for her expertise
on substance abuse, and to Tod Augusta-Scott, the Program Coordinator
of Bridges - A Domestic Abuse Intervention Program, for his insight
into the issue of responsibility and abuse.
I also drew on the work of the following
people and would like to thank them for sharing their ideas and
for their encouragement of this work:
Anne-Marie Ambert, a professor at York
University, whose books on parenting include The Effect of Children
on Parents and Parents, Children, and Adolescents: Interactive
Relationships and Development in Context.
Jackie Barkley, a clinical therapist
with Choices Adolescent Treatment Program, Central Regional Health
Board, author of "Reclaiming Our Children: Teachers as Elders"
in Daily Meaning: Counternarratives of Teachers' Work and
"The Politics of Parenting and the Youth Crisis" in Power
and Resistance: Critical Thinking About Canadian Social Issues.
Peter Monk, a child and family therapist
who conducted research on the topic in British Columbia. His study
is titled Adolescent-to-Parent Violence: A Qualitative Analysis
of Emerging Themes (Unpublished thesis.)
Jerome Price, who works with teens
and their families at the Michigan Family Institute and is author
of Power and Compassion: Working with Difficult Adolescents and
Abused Parents.
The project was funded by the Family Violence Prevention Unit of Health Canada and my thanks go to
Liette Lalonde for her support of this work.
Introduction
Twenty years ago, people thought spousal
abuse was a rare occurrence. Victims were blamed with statements
such as "she must like it or why would she stay?" and
"she probably provoked him." Abuse was seen as a private
family matter and there were few supports available. Since the issue
of violence within families has come to public attention, policies
and supports have been put in place and attempts are being made
to protect adults from abusive spouses and children from abusive
parents.
Another form of family violence that
may occur as often but is still a well-kept secret is the abuse
of parents by their adolescent children.
There are striking similarities between
current attitudes toward parent abuse and the old attitudes toward
wife abuse. Parents are usually the first people blamed for the
behaviour of their children, but there are few supports and interventions
available to them. There is also little public awareness of parent
abuse.
To determine the nature and parameters
of parent abuse, initial research was conducted in 1995-96 in Halifax,
Nova Scotia by Barbara Cottrell and Mary Anne Finlayson of Meta
Research and Communications. The project was sponsored by the Captain
William Spry Community Centre, the Committee Against Woman Abuse
and the Family Service Association of the Halifax Regional Municipality,
and was funded by Health Canada.
We talked to parents, professionals
and adolescents in group discussions and in formal and informal
individual interviews. We listened to 45 parents who had experienced
parent abuse; 39 teenagers; 34 community workers, clinicians, academics
and other professionals. A number of people interviewed self-identified
as both a professional and a parent of an abusive teen.
Some of the questions we attempted
to answer were:
-
What is parent abuse?
-
How widespread is parent abuse?
-
Who is the abuser?
-
Who is being abused?
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How is the family affected?
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Why is the abuse happening?
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Where can families get help?
We also researched the literature and
found a huge void on the topic of the abuse of parents by their
teenage children. A 1993 literature review prepared for the Family Violence Prevention Unit of Health Canada (Four Variations
of Family Violence: A Review of Sociological Research, 1993:
8) states that the substantial body of data on family violence includes
little reliable information on forms of violence other than spousal
abuse. It warns that "(M)any young people.. physically victimize
their parents. Again, this is a problem that has been, by and large,
ignored by Canadian researchers." Little has been published
on the topic since then, yet counsellors, social workers and other
professionals continue to hear from clients more and more anecdotal
evidence of this form of family violence.
A pamphlet, guide and final report
documented the research findings.
Follow-up research
At the request of
Health Canada, 25 interviews were conducted in 1999 to determine
how useful the 1996 materials were. Fifteen people who had requested
the materials talked about how they accessed and used the materials,
and 10 parents of abusive adolescents discussed their experiences
and how these related to the information in the materials. Both
parents and professionals were extremely positive about the materials.
They found the work "an eye-opener" and said it accurately
described their experiences.
Most people we spoke to said they had
not seen the issue discussed anywhere other than in Parent Abuse,
and they were glad to see the topic "out in the open."
Parents said that it helped them identify their experiences as abuse.
They also said it helped them take action.
This publication is an updated version
of the 1996 publication.
What is Parent Abuse?
Defining Parent Abuse
Occasional conflict between people
who live together, including parents and their children, is normal.
Parent abuse is difficult to define because it is not always clear
when certain behaviours are "normal" and when they are
"abusive." Conflict becomes abusive when one person uses
threats, force or manipulation to gain power over the other. Parent
abuse is any act of a child that is intended to cause physical,
psychological or financial damage to gain power and control over
a parent.
Teenagers normally go through a process
of trying to establish their sense of separateness from their parents.
This is called "individuating," and may at times include
some defiance or resistance toward authority. There is a difference,
however, between resistance and aggression, between separating from
a parent and trying to take control of a parent, between "normal"
teenage behaviour and "parent abuse."
Abusive adolescent behaviour ranges
from mild to severe violence. Parents have to examine their teen's
behaviour and determine whether it is acceptable or if it has become
abusive. Abusive behaviour should not be tolerated.
Some parents, however, reported a cycle
of abuse similar to spousal abuse, where the child expresses remorse,
and sometimes self-hatred. Even when abusive teens do not express
remorse, many parents sense that the teens are aware that their
behaviour is hurtful. Some parents report that teens who abuse drugs
or alcohol exhibit a frightening lack of emotion concerning their
abuse.
Forms of Abuse
Any behaviour that is deliberately
harmful to the parent and used as a form of control may be defined
as abuse. The abuse may be physical, psychological (including verbal)
or financial. Most abuse can be classified in more than one way.
Here are some examples of the various forms of abuse:
Physical
abuse
-
hitting, punching, slapping or
kicking
-
shoving and pushing
-
breaking things
-
punching holes in the walls
-
throwing things
-
spitting
Parents' accounts of the physical abuse
they experience at the hands of their teens are graphic and frightening:
Teens can display aggression that leaves
the parent with the unmistakable message: "If I can do this
to a wall, I can do it to you. I'm in control here." Psychological
abuse and emotional terrorism
-
intimidating the parent, making
the parent fearful
-
maliciously playing mind games,
trying to make the parent think he or she is crazy
-
making unrealistic demands on parents,
such as insisting they drop what they're doing to comply with
the child's demands
-
purposely not telling the parent
where they're going or what they're doing
-
running away from home or staying
out all night
-
lying
-
threatening to hurt, maim or kill
the parent or someone else
-
making manipulative threats, such
as threatening to run away, commit suicide or otherwise hurt
themselves without really intending to do so
-
degrading the parent or other family
members
-
withholding affection
-
controlling the running of the
household
Verbal abuse is one form of psychological
abuse. This includes:
-
yelling
-
arguing, challenging ( "I
don't have to do anything you say!")
-
being sarcastic or critical, belittling
-
laughing in the parent's face
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name calling ( "You bitch!")
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"I hate you!"
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swearing at the parent
Some adolescent behaviour is more irresponsible
and thoughtless than abusive. However, in some cases, adolescents
deliberately use psychological means to manipulate, control and
hurt their parents. This teen was fully aware of the impact of his
behaviour: 5
Financial
abuse
-
stealing money or parent's belongings
(sometimes referred to as "borrowing" without permission)
-
selling possessions, their own
or the parents'
-
destroying the home or parents'
belongings
-
demanding parents buy things they
don't feel they can afford
-
incurring debts the parents must
cover (e.g. as a result of damage to or theft of others' property)
Parents face tremendous ongoing pressure
from the culturally pervasive idea that they should provide their
children with material possessions. While most teens try to persuade
their parents to provide them with the latest in brand-name goods,
some abusive teens capitalize on their parents' feelings of obligation
and inadequacy by attempting to force them to spend far more than
they can afford:
How Widespread is Parent Abuse?
Many professionals believe that parent
abuse is increasing in our society. Few statistics are available
to support or contradict this belief. Police records do not specify
the relationship between the victim and perpetrator in charges of
assault, and the Young Offenders' Act prevents access to
information on charges against minors. Hospitals, shelters and other
institutions such as child welfare and adolescent mental health
agencies and schools, where we would expect to hear reports of parent
abuse, often do not recognize, record or report the problem.
Who is Likely to be Violent?
Profile of the Teen
Gender
Although many professionals believe
that boys tend to be more physically violent toward their parents
than girls, our research indicates that both boys and girls participate
in all forms of abuse.
Age and size
Professionals believe that the foundation
of abusive behaviour begins long before the children are teenagers.
Most of the parents we interviewed said the abuse began when the
child was between 12 and 14. Some parents were aware that their
children exhibited signs of violent behaviour at an earlier age
(four or five years) but initially viewed the behaviour as a "tantrum"
rather than abuse. Teenagers' greater physical size may make them
more threatening, and parents then begin to identify the child's
behaviour as abusive.
Substance abuse and criminal activity
Many abusive teens participate in socially
deviant activities such as drug or alcohol use or criminal activities
(shoplifting, fraud, break and enter, theft, violent crime and/or
prostitution). When teens become involved in drugs or alcohol, parents
sometimes notice a sudden, drastic change in their school work,
relationships and behaviour.
Victims and perpetrators
Sometimes youth who are abusive toward
their parents have themselves been the victims of physical, sexual
and/or emotional abuse. This may have occurred within their nuclear
or extended family, or outside the family altogether. Some teens
are not the direct victims of violence but may have witnessed it
in their homes. It is recognized that children who witness violence
are at a greater risk of developing behaviour problems, such as
aggression with peers, non-compliance with adults, destructive behaviour,
and conflict with the law.
Who is Being Abused?
Profile of the Family
Family structure
Because families experience changes
in structure and income, it is difficult to describe the typical
abused parent as single or married, wealthy or poor. The majority
(76%) of the parents in the 1996 study had single-parented during
their lives. (The study was not based on a random sample, so this
proportion may not represent the family composition distribution
in which teens abuse their parents.) Parent abuse occurs in families
from various races, social classes and family structures. Our study
included adopted children, step-children, foster children and biological
children, and while the majority of those interviewed were single
parents at the time of the interview, the problem also occurs in
two-parent families.
Age
The average age of parents we interviewed
in the 1996 study was 44 years. This contradicts the popular belief
that parent abuse is experienced primarily by people who became
parents at too young an age.
Mothers
Mothers and step-mothers, in both single
and two-parent homes, are the most common targets of teenagers'
abusive behaviour. Many mothers are intimidated by their son's and
daughter's physical size and greater strength, although mothers
who are physically larger than their teen also experience abuse.
Mothers seem less able than fathers to take a stand and give their
teenager an ultimatum to follow the rules or leave the house and
often protect their children even when the children are victimizing
them.
Fathers
Fathers and step-fathers are also victims
of parent abuse but generally not to the same extent as mothers
and step-mothers. When violence occurs between children and their
fathers, fathers often react violently and perceive the incident
as a fight rather than abuse.
Parents with disabilities
Parents with disabilities, including
fathers, are also frequent victims.
Other vulnerable targets
Some teens also abuse other vulnerable
members of the family such as younger siblings or family pets.
As with other
forms of family violence, it seems that abusers victimize the people
they see as vulnerable.
What is the Effect on the
Family?
The Parents
Denial
All abused parents experience a range
of emotions, from fear of their teenager and fear for the safety
of their teenager, to guilt about pressing police charges for assault.
Most parents have difficulty accepting that their child could be
abusive toward them and may initially deny the problem:
Failure, shame and blame
Many parents feel depressed and filled
with shame that they were not able to produce a happy family. They
question their parenting abilities, agonize over where they went
wrong, and begin to feel like failures. Women particularly live
under the threat of not meeting societal expectations and being
condemned as bad mothers. One mother said:
In this society we do not collectively
take responsibility for our children. While parents certainly play
a major role in their child's development, they are usually blamed
for everything that goes wrong. They, along with everyone else,
buy into this belief and often take full responsibility for their
abusive child's actions.
Ambert challenges this narrow perspective
of the parent-child relationship:
Challenging the belief that parents
are the sole influence on their children can be a refreshing perspective
for parents, especially those struggling with guilt and shame over
the actions of their children. The idea that parents are the sole
influence on their children negates the effect of other social influences
in the child's life and places an impossible load of responsibility
on the parents' shoulders. When they seek help they frequently encounter
messages of blame. This feeling of being blamed and the sense of
being solely responsible sometimes makes it difficult for parents
to hear positive and useful suggestions to change their behaviour
as a possible solution to difficulties with their children:
Despair and isolation
In addition to feeling solely responsible,
parents often feel unsupported and isolated. They feel hopeless
and helpless because they are unable to control the situation, either
because of physical danger or their own emotional turmoil. Despair
at not having a harmonious family life and feeling isolated in the
situation makes change all the more difficult. The psychological
abuse parents experience is as unnerving and soul destroying as
physical abuse. As Jerome Price, in his book Power and Compassion:
Working with Difficult Adolescents and Abused Parents, says:
Strained relations
Teens' abusive behaviour often leads
to arguments between adults in the home as to how the teen should
be disciplined. This limits the amount of quality time the adults
are able to spend together. Many couples' relationships undergo
a tremendous amount of strain and are sometimes torn apart because
of the teen's behaviour:
Trust
Almost all abused parents feel unable
to trust their teen, especially when they are left unsupervised
at home. The uncertainty of what will confront them when they return
is always on the parents' mind. Some wonder whether the child will
be home at all, or if their home and possessions will be damaged,
while others just dread having to deal with their teen:
Health
The stress of dealing with an abusive
teen can have a negative impact on parents' health, sometimes making
existing health problems worse, sometimes causing new problems.
A number of parents told us that they use prescribed medication
to help them deal with the tension and stress of the situation.
Some parents also turn to alcohol or drugs to help them cope.
Loss
When the teenager has had to leave
the house, some family members experience a strong sense of loss:
siblings no longer have their brother or sister, and parents grieve
for the loss of their child. They are also grieving for the loss
of the family as a unit. This experience is especially traumatic
in single-parent families where the teen is an only child. In cases
where the teenager has a child, parents lose not only their child,
but also their contact with the grandchild.
Siblings
Adolescents' abusive behaviour affects
other children in the home and parents fear for their safety. Some
parents are concerned that observing a sibling's dangerous activities
(drugs, alcohol, prostitution) may affect the other children and
put the rest of the family at risk. In addition, focussing on the
abusive teen often leaves little time and energy for parents to
pay attention to the other children. Parents reported that the children
who are being ignored sometimes act out in order to get attention,
or become depressed.
Other relationships
The parents' and child's relationships
with friends and extended family members can be jeopardized by the
abuse. Teens also manipulate other family members into believing
the abuse is the parents' fault:
The workplace
The stress of dealing with the abuse
spreads beyond the home. Parents take their concerns and anxiety
with them to the workplace.
The worry experienced by parents whose
teenagers are skipping school, or who have run away from home, can
make it difficult for them to concentrate at work. Their concern
about the child's whereabouts, whether the child is in trouble or
in danger, can lead to anxiety about their jobs and even about the
security of their job.
Some parents also worry about the number
of phone calls they receive at work concerning their teenager, as
well as the amount of time they have to take off to deal with emergency
situations or court appearances. The cost of counselling the family
when public services are inadequate or unavailable can cause an
added financial strain that makes it even more imperative that parents
keep their jobs.
Why is the Abuse Happening?
There is no definitive explanation
for parent abuse; there are, in fact, a multitude of interconnected
dynamics contributing to the behaviour. However, several contributing
factors have been identified.
Family Dynamics
Parental authority
There is a need for clear structure
and leadership in families. Parents need to know how to be in charge,
to realize they have the right to set limits, and to say, "This
is my house and you can't behave that way in it." They are
sometimes afraid of losing the love of their teen by enforcing rules
and standards of behaviour. Sometimes parents are so intimidated
they try to avoid confrontation by allowing the adolescent to rule
the household.
When teens feel their parents are not
in control, they act out because they don't feel safe. The developmental
tasks of adolescents are typically complex and can be difficult.
For most teenagers, it is an added burden to cope with power over
their parents.
Enforcing the rules
It is normal for adolescents to go
through a period of "I hate your rules," but the parents'
job is to rein the children in tighter and impose the rules. Sometimes
parents' attempts to enforce house rules are successful. However,
some children become even more abusive and refuse to obey the rules
when their parents make it clear that the teen's behaviour is not
acceptable, and they impose appropriate consequences.
Changes in the family structure
In situations in which parents have
separated, the children sometimes resent the parent they live with
(usually the mother) for changing their home, community, school,
friends or lifestyle. Teenagers are sometimes jealous of the loss
of attention from their mother or father when new partners become
involved. When the mother is a single parent, teens sometimes vent
all their anger and frustration on her simply because she is present.
One teen, when asked why she abuses her mother, said "Because
I have no one else."
Social isolation
Feelings of isolation and alienation
from families, schools and society can be experienced by teenagers
in North American culture. Feelings of disconnection do not lead
most adolescents to act abusively, and are not the sole basis of
violent teenage behaviour, but there may be a link between this
isolation and teenage aggression.
Modern-day pressures of work and finances
create additional stress and problems for the family and leave parents
with little time to spend with their teens. When children are younger,
parents take the responsibility of planning their activities, but
when they begin to reach adolescence this becomes increasingly more
difficult.
Teens who feel alienated from their
parents often crave for their attention and will often act out abusively
as a means of expressing their frustration and anger. Further, adolescents
may lack the maturity to exercise self-control, and this can lead
to other forms of socially deviant behaviour. These teens need adult
guidance and leadership.
History of Abuse
In our society, violence and aggression
are commonly used to achieve goals and maintain control. Parents
shout at their children, the police pepper spray protesters, and
Hollywood's good guys shoot and kill to save the world. Aggression
and violent images invade most corners of our lives. In some families
or communities, physical, emotional or verbal abuse is an accepted
method of communication. If it has been occurring for years or generations,
it may have become customary behaviour.
Some abusive teens have themselves
been the victims of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or have
witnessed their parents or siblings being abused and may become
abusive as a way to regain some of their lost power and control.
According to Shuman and Seiffge-Krenke:
Unfortunately, the teens who respond
with abuse often do not focus their retaliation on the perpetrator
- instead they abuse their non-abusive parent.
Shuman and Seiffge-Krenke also state
that boys, more than girls, tend to identify with their fathers
and are likely to possess their fathers' negative and positive traits.
This has serious implications for boys who have witnessed their
fathers' abusive behaviour toward their mothers. In this 1984 study,1
it was found that 23% of the fathers of violent youths had battered
their wives. The authors conclude that "a combination of paternal
aggression, inadequate discipline and negative attitude toward the
child fosters aggressive and delinquent behaviour" (1997: 181).
Sex role stereotyping and violence against women
The continued devaluation of women
means that women still earn less money than men and are under-represented
in positions of power. As the victims of ongoing violence and denigration,
many women lack confidence in themselves as human beings and as
parents. Yet, women are still primarily responsible for parenting
our children. Although many fathers are equally concerned about
their abusive children and share responsibility in seeking help
for the problem, some are emotionally or physically absent, or abusive.
In the past few decades, an increase
in aggressive behaviour among teenage girls has been observed. Some
people have suggested that young women today are rebelling against
the traditional concept that "girls are timid, passive and
fearful." Many young women want to be powerful and recognized
and their anger can sometimes be understood as justified and constructive,
a response to social injustice and dominance. However, their anger
is sometimes unjustified and inappropriately expressed.
Some professionals report that girls
express hatred toward their mothers for being submissive, and for
subjecting themselves and their children to the violence of their
husband or partner. These girls are wary of the passivity and abusively,
often imitating the aggressive behaviour of males. One mother reports
that her teenage daughter contemptuously yelled at her, "You're
nothing but a coward!" Strategies such as submission, which
women use to cope with abuse, often lead to further victimization.
Traditionally, women have been aware
of and been receptive to the feelings and emotions of those around
them. In our interviews, many teens agreed that it was easier to
share their emotions with their mothers. They're not as afraid of
their mothers as they are of their fathers, who have been socialized
to respond to teens' feelings more aggressively. Teens said things
like, "I'd never dare hit my Dad." As a result, adolescents
can express a whole range of feelings toward their mothers, including
anger.
The Role of Schools
Youth are under a great deal of pressure
from schools and from their peers. The school environment can be
violent, unsafe and disrespectful. Teens experience violence and
the threat of violence at the hands of other students. The threat
of violence and the pressure to be "cool" at school makes
many teens feel vulnerable and lowers their self-esteem. They feel
they have to be in control to avoid being victimized and learn not
to show weakness in front of their peers. Teachers often feel as
powerless as any other adult to deal with teens' aggression.
There are few outlets for adolescents
to deal with the stress they experience at school, and many teens
act out their victimization and rage in severely violent ways at
home. Parents who are being abused reported rarely feeling supported
or helped by the schools their children attend. While every situation
must be assessed on its own merits, as this parent says, communication
with the school is essential.
Drugs and Alcohol
Alcohol and drug abuse is commonly
linked with teenagers' violent behaviour. According to a 1994 survey,2
use of illicit drugs is primarily a teenage phenomenon. The highest
use of cannabis was reported by males age 15-24 (26%-28%). It was
estimated that in the 15 to 17 age group, 27% of males use cannabis;
31% have used at least one illicit drug in their lifetime; and 27%
of males use at least one illicit drug. The statistics for young
women are only slightly lower: 24% of females in the 15 to 17 age
group use cannabis; 29% have used at least one illicit drug in their
lifetime; and 24% use at least one illicit drug.
A series of surveys on Canadian youth
aged 11, 13 and 153 has
found that, since 1994, there has been a sharp increase in youth
who by Grade 10 had used marijuana three or more times. According
to the report, in 1994 30% of boys and 27% of girls used marijuana.
In 1998, this had risen to 44% of boys and 41% of girls. There is
also a slight increase in the adolescent use of solvents. In 1994,
7% of boys and 5% of girls were users; in 1998: 9% of boys and 6%
of girls. Cocaine use also rose slightly, from 3% to 6% for boys,
and 3% to 5% for girls.
The report concludes that, since the
1994 survey, there has been a strong relationship between use of
marijuana and other health-risk behaviour, and those who use marijuana
are also more likely to use alcohol, smoke cigarettes, and spend
a great deal of time with other adolescents who engage in the same
behaviour. They're more likely to feel pressured at school, skip
classes and bully others.
Although substance abuse does not cause
violent behaviour, parents report that when their teen is using
drugs, their behaviour is more severe and the teen shows no sense
of remorse.
Price (1996) notes that drug abuse
is often perceived as the cause of a child's problematic behaviour
and cautions that drug abuse, moodiness and dropping grades are
often symptoms of other serious problems. Substance abuse by parents
can contribute to the problem of parent abuse. Teenagers may be
angry with their parents for being unavailable and emotionally abandoning
them, and may attempt to control the parents by threatening to reveal
their substance abuse.
Mental Health and Medical Issues
Serious mental disorders
In some rare instances, adolescent
violence is a symptom of a serious mental disorder, such as schizophrenia
or bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, these disorders are often difficult
to diagnose.
Although such a serious diagnosis may
explain some behaviour, Price cautions:
Price also cautions that parents should
not let labels or diagnoses frighten them into believing they cannot
expect to be treated respectfully by their children.
However, until mentally ill children
are properly diagnosed, parents struggle to understand their behaviour.
Not all mental health professionals
address the child's abusive behaviour toward the parents.
Medical diagnoses give parents relief
from guilt and blame, and the prescribed medications often help
control aggressive behaviours. While a diagnosis brings some relief,
it can also harness the parent to caring for a mentally ill child
for life. After an adolescent is diagnosed, parents need support.
Less serious mental disorders
Some teens who exhibit violent or aggressive
behaviour toward their parents or others are diagnosed as having:
-
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity
Disorder (ADHD or ADD)
-
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
-
Conduct Disorders, including Adolescent
Adjustment Disorder.
While these diagnoses identify a problem,
some parents and professionals believe that doctors do little more
than label the symptoms and prescribe medication where they deem
it appropriate. Parents and professionals are concerned about widespread
prescription drug use among teens, and with the impact of labelling
a child. Some parents believe that this labelling is used to excuse
certain behaviours and this creates further problems:
Parenting practices
We are a generation who put our energy
into making teens happy and comfortable instead of responsible.
We have attempted to change the role of the parent from authoritative
disciplinarian to partners in a more equal relationship in which
parents are "friends" with their children. The result
is that children develop images of parents as the people whose job
it is to make them happy.
Sometimes, this results in inappropriate
and unhealthy parent-child relationships in which parents treat
their children as companions or partners. This places an unfair
burden on the teen.
In the first half of the 19th century,
children were considered the property of adults. They were expected
to "be seen and not heard," and were often treated disrespectfully,
sometimes cruelly, by adults both at home and in school. Children
had few rights and parents were seldom held responsible for harming
their children. The permissive 1960s and the work to end child abuse
changed much of that. While few dispute that children's rights must
be recognized, attempts to protect these rights have led to a severe
crisis in leadership within families.
The "new ethics in child rearing"
that began in the 1960s shifted focus away from the need for structure
and leadership within the family in an attempt to recognize children's
basic need to have their feelings and opinions valued. Kindness,
leniency and an emphasis on the importance of a child's free expression
of feelings became the central themes of positive parenting.
Price lists familiar catch phrases
and popular notions that discourage parents from taking control
of their children:
-
Children must make their own mistakes.
-
If parents take charge, young people
will never learn responsibility themselves.
-
It's their life.
-
Children must be trusted (whether
they've earned that trust or not); otherwise, the growth of
the inner self will be stunted and creativity and self-expression
thwarted.
-
Young people have to make their
own decisions (therefore, parents shouldn't force their judgement
on young people.)
-
A child's ego will be harmed if
his or her right to total privacy is violated.
-
It's intrusive to punish without
giving advance warning as to the consequences.
The "Parenting
practices" section above is based on the work of
Jerome Price (1996: 18, 19).
Parenting has been stolen from parents
The parental role has become professionalized4
as parents are pressured to consult experts for advice and
direction. Writers, psychologists, social workers and consultants
set themselves up as "experts" on child rearing. Freud
and Dr. Spock were but two of the "experts" who became
famous for telling parents what they should and should not do. A
huge and profitable publishing industry flourishes as books and
magazines describe the terrible, lifelong impact of poor parenting
on our children. Some parents are coerced into buying these books
out of a fear of damaging their children forever. This results in
parents losing their confidence in their ability to parent and in
taking the leadership role in their families. They then lack the
confidence necessary to exert reasonable parental authority and
consequently some children lack the boundaries they need for their
moral and spiritual growth.
Popular culture also exposes children
and youth to increasingly violent images. "Attitude" -
that is, a stance of being rude, hostile, detached and aggressive
- is cool. Without the necessary boundaries, this attitude is sometimes
directed at parents.
Most parents and professionals believe
that children's basic rights must be recognized and respected. However,
most also believe that a balance must exist between young people's
rights and their responsibilities; teenagers are responsible for
their own actions and behaviour and must be held accountable for
their conduct. Although they may strongly resist it, adolescents
need leadership from their parents, and the adults in charge of
the culture adolescents are living in must be held accountable for
the world we have created for them.
Ending the Abuse
There's no easy way to stop teenagers
from abusing their parents, but there are some things parents can
do to help themselves:
-
Parents can shift their thinking
from looking for a quick fix to recognition that they are involved
in a - sometimes long - process. The solutions rarely come overnight.
Stopping parent abuse is a process.
-
Parents have to find out what works
for them because the dynamics are different in every case. How
the abuse is stopped will depend on the individual situation
of each family.
-
To find out what might work in
their case, parents have to try different things.
-
Parents can shop around. Therapists
and others in the helping professions have different beliefs
and different styles.
-
Working on the issue, instead of
being passive and helpless, gives the parent strength. When
they are trying to find a solution, they can feel better about
themselves. When the abuse is over - it often diminishes and
ends eventually - parents can feel better knowing they have
tried a number of ways to find a solution.
Breaking the Silence
To help families and stop parent abuse,
we have to break the silence that surrounds it. Because parent abuse
is still not recognized, it is often considered acceptable behaviour.
The first step to ending the abuse is recognizing that it is abuse.
Because of a dearth of information
about parent abuse, it is not known how often it occurs. There is
also a severe lack of resources and supports. Many parents feel
that the resources available seem to blame and defeat them rather
than offer support. They often suffer abuse in isolation because
of the shame and lack of public awareness attached to the issue.
Hospitals, shelters and other institutions lack information about
the topic and rarely ask the questions that could break through
the silence and lead parents to gain support.
Until parent
abuse is named, it will remain hidden, and families will have difficulty
finding help.
Talking About the Abuse
After recognizing the abuse, parents
need a safe place to talk about what they are experiencing. Talking
about the abuse can have a profound impact on parents and help break
the isolation.
Parents may want to talk about their
experiences with a friend they feel safe with, or with family members.
They need someone who will listen and not minimize the abuse. People
without appropriate training may have difficulties listening to
this topic, especially if they have had similar experiences. It
may
therefore be difficult for parents
to find an appropriate person to talk to. It is important for them
to keep looking until they find a supportive listener. Some places
to turn to include:
Contact names and telephone numbers
for these resources may be available at local libraries.
Counselling and therapy
When they are dealing with an abusive
teen, parents may find a professional counsellor helpful. Every
Canadian has the right to publicly funded mental health services
for children, adolescents and their families. However, public resources
for counselling and therapy are scarce and parents may need to go
on a scavenger hunt for publicly funded resources in their area.
The local shelter for battered women, the drug dependency service,
children's hospital or child welfare service may have trained counsellors
whom parents can consult. If these agencies or organizations can't
help, they may be able to refer parents elsewhere.
The choice of a therapist or a counsellor
is important. Parents need to "shop around" and find a
counsellor or therapist who knows how to help. Unfortunately, many
parents have negative experiences with counsellors:
Some counsellors say the problem of
parent abuse begins with poor parenting practices and a lack of
appropriate boundaries and limits. Parents feel this is an unsatisfactory
explanation that leaves them feeling powerless and vulnerable at
a time when they need support to feel strong and capable.
The relationship between a counsellor
or therapist and an abused parent should be collaborative and the
therapist should be the parent's ally in the parent's own process.
Parents do not always need direction and advice from a counsellor;
more often they need support to strengthen themselves in coming
up with good solutions to their problems.
It is important that doctors, ministers
and other community leaders be informed on this topic and let parents
know they are willing to be allies and listeners, and make time
for parents.
Support Groups
Support groups can play a significant
role in helping parents take concrete steps toward ending the abuse,
and thereby take control of their lives. They can provide an opportunity
for parents to realize that they are not alone in their struggles,
and give parents an opportunity to help others in the same situation.
This can be crucial for parents who feel helpless in their own abusive
situation because being a source of support for others diminishes
the feelings of helplessness.
For a support group to be a successful
experience, it has to feel right for the parent, and that often
depends on how well the parent "fits" with the other members
of the group. The best support groups are often facilitated by a
professional who can help parents move on from their anger. Unfortunately,
support groups are few and far between and receive little or no
support, financial or otherwise, from governments or professionals.
More effort needs to be put into creating effective support groups
for parents.
Mediation
Mediating between abusive teens and
their parents is controversial, but it may be a source of help in
resolving the abusive situation. There is a place for mediation
and circle healing, but it has to be in the hands of someone who
knows that the victim is not responsible for the violence. The abusive
teen has to be accountable for the abuse.
Working Together
When parents work together as a couple,
they feel much stronger. The situation is made far worse when couples
side with the child against each other.
Uniting with other people who are in
the child's life can give parents strength and more control. Parents
have the right to stay in close communication with people who are
a part of their child's life, such as parents of the child's friends,
teachers, principals and guidance counsellors, doctors, church leaders,
police and probation officers. This is not "interfering."
Shifting the Focus
Once parents recognize they are being
abused, they can begin to emotionally separate from their children
and shift the focus to their own needs.
Keeping Informed About Parent Abuse and Related
Issues
Understanding what is happening can
help parents make better informed decisions. Parents may find it
useful to familiarize themselves with resources available in their
community, legal issues, mental health and drug abuse issues, and
other topics related to parent abuse. Reading about parent abuse
also helps some parents:
Trying to deal with the problem of
abuse may not be possible until the drug or alcohol abuse is addressed.
Parents can educate themselves about drugs and the consequences
of teens' use of drugs. Jerome Price suggests that parents and therapists
may find it useful to contact a local adolescent drug treatment
centre prior to dealing with a teen's problem themselves.
Many parents in abusive situations
feel they are going crazy. Being able to read about parent abuse
helps them to recognize that what they are experiencing is abuse
and enables them to take action.
Setting Limits
Setting limits can be a difficult and
complex process, often requiring different forms of interventions
for different children. To begin dealing with the long-term issues
associated with the abuse, parents need time and space to:
-
begin taking control of their life
-
assert their right for safety and
the safety of their other children
-
start to heal the relationship
with the abusive child if possible
For some families, removal of the teenager
from the home, sometimes for a few hours or a week, will help the
situation. Removal of the teen is a means of escaping the immediate
threat of abuse and can also give parents the time and space to
begin dealing with the long-term issues associated with the abuse.
Unfortunately, for some parents removal of the teen on a more permanent
basis is the only solution for ending the abuse.
Respite care in the form of short-term
supervision of the teen by someone other than the parent could be
beneficial in that it gives parents a break from the stress of the
situation. However, some parents can focus their energy only on
removing the child from the home and not on finding alternative
living arrangements. Either way, when parents make the decision
to remove their abusive child from the home, they need support.
Involving the Police
It may be necessary to involve the
police to maintain safety in the home. It is important that parents
are clear about what the criminal justice system can and cannot
do so they have realistic expectations of the system and can access
available supports.
The criminal justice system functions
with clear parameters. It is mandated to respond to criminal behaviour,
and while some forms of parent abuse are at times difficult for
parents to live with, they do not necessarily constitute an offence
under the Criminal Code. Physical abuse, threats, theft and
damage to property are criminal offences. However, few police forces
have protocols for dealing with parent abuse.
Police involvement sometimes encourages
children to understand the severity of their behaviour:
The job of the police is to deal with
the immediate emergency, and they should not be expected to provide
long-term solutions. However, calling the police may be part of
an overall plan developed by the parents, the police and other service
providers, to end the abuse.
Many parents are afraid to call the
police because they feel guilty when their children are charged
with assault. They also feel that court orders to attend school
or stay at home and follow the rules are seldom supervised or enforced,
and that probation officers are overworked and cannot properly supervise
the children under their care.
Others are afraid to call the police
because they have attempted to restrain their children and fear
they may be charged with assault. Some teens erroneously believe
they are protected from their parents' authority by law, and parents
live with the threat of being charged with assault, abuse or neglect
if they attempt to discipline their teen. Common controlling comments
are "You can't touch me!" "You have to support me
until I'm 18." "I'll call Children's Aid on you!"
and "I'll call the police!" Jerome Price (1996) calls
these threats "the hammer of the 90s." These youths were
misinformed, but unfortunately their parents believed them:
What parents need to know is that they
have the right - in fact, the responsibility - to control their
children. Obviously, parents should not neglect or use violent means
to control their children. When a child threatens to call the authorities,
parents should be willing to call the child's bluff and say, "Do."
Some parents regret involving the criminal
justice system because they found it even more difficult to live
with the child after assault charges were laid. Others state that
they felt less in control and more vulnerable when the police and
the court system were involved. Parents of other racial origins
or gay parents and lower income families may be afraid to seek help
from agencies such as the police for fear the child will be subjected
to racism, homophobia or some other form of discrimination.
Ultimate Goal: Regaining
Control and Healing the Relationship
Regaining control begins with naming
the problem and then taking the necessary steps, which usually involve
talking to someone and accessing counselling, and sometimes the
removal of the child from the home. Immediately after this, it is
normal for the parent to experience a variety of emotions. Some
parents experience relief, while others are angry or depressed,
and feel a sense of failure and loss. It is important that they
accept their feelings and be gentle with themselves. Some parents
gain inner strength through exercise, meditation or support groups.
This helps build their sense of self-worth and that in turn strengthens
their ability to cope with the situation. Even little things like
pouring their feelings into a journal can help parents become stronger.
Sometimes the child's attitude shows
improvement, and, if the child has left the home, she or he may
want to return. Decision making at this time should not be made
out of the parents' feelings of guilt. It is important that the
parents think through what they want so that they can retain their
newly found control. They need to be very clear about what the rules
and the consequences for breaking the rules are, and they need to
rigidly enforce the consequences.
Parents may want to have the child
sign a written list of rules such as this one:
I agree to do
the following:
-
Attend and fully engage in
school
-
Keep parents informed about
where I am
-
Do chores (e.g. clean up
my room).
In our house we will always treat
each other with respect. This means no physical or verbal
abuse. These things are forbidden in our house:
-
Name calling
-
Hitting, punching, slapping
or kicking
-
Damaging other people's property
-
Making threats to hurt myself
or anyone else
-
Stealing or borrowing things
without permission
-
Playing mind games
-
Insisting others buy things
they can't afford
Signed:___________________________
Date:________________ |
Adolescents are likely to make excuses
for their abusive behaviour or make empty or dismissive responses.
Parents should recognize these as nothing more than attempts to
avoid responsibility. Parents should not accept these excuses and
should carry out the established consequences for breaking the rules.
Some common empty phrases teens use are:
-
Everybody does it.
-
It's not like you haven't done
it before.
-
I'll never do it again.
-
It's all your fault.
-
I won't lie to you.
-
Can I go now? Are you finished?
-
It's my life. I can do what I want.
-
I'm sorry.
Parents should choose the consequences
appropriate for each rule violation. The following are some possible
consequences:
-
Take away the use of the car, phone,
stereo, etc.
-
Contact the school daily to meet
with teachers.
-
Take away child's allowance or
spending money.
Parents should ensure that they have
support in place to help them stay in control to carry through with
enforcing rules and consequences.
Healing and relationship building can
continue at the pace the parents are comfortable with. The ongoing
healing includes working through the anger and coming to a place
of acceptance.
Help for the Abusive Youth
To stop parent abuse, the teens themselves
must recognize that their behaviour is abusive. Some teens find
it useful to talk to an adult other than their parents, and others
may find it helpful to talk to their peers. Many of the supports
for parents can also be a source of help to the youth. These include:
-
counselling and support groups
-
family friend or relative
-
outreach workers at battered women's
shelters.
Reading materials can also help teens
to realize that their behaviours are abusive.
Final Note
The Limits of Publicly Funded Services
Many parents report having difficulty
finding appropriate support and express frustration at what they
perceive as severely limited resources.
Parents complain that the response
time for assistance is far too long. When they finally reach out
for help, parents are often desperate and in situations that require
immediate attention. Limited, overburdened resources mean long waiting
periods before help is available. In addition, agencies have specific
criteria that exclude many families.
Even where these services are available,
they are not always accessible. Sometimes, lack of transportation
and child care is a barrier. Parents are not always able to leave
the child unsupervised.
Parents also find that some of the
assistance they are offered creates more problems for the family.
For example, some teens receiving social assistance, in group homes
or foster homes, have more freedom and financial support than their
parents can provide. When these lifestyles are experienced by the
teens as being more favourable than living with the rules and limitations
at home, conflicts increase between the parents and teens and some
adolescents begin to use the system to their advantage. 43
Working with Institutions
Hints for dealing with institutions
Consider yourself the manager of your
child's care. Don't depend on anyone else to do this for you.
Keep a record of your child's behaviours,
moods and encounters with the legal and mental health system, and
of your child's medications, dosages and clinical appointments.
Note your own conversations with school officials, specialists and
other involved parties and record names, dates and telephone numbers.
Keep in mind that professionals are
working for you. Respect their position and expertise, but don't
assume they always know best.
Pay attention to your inner voice and
assert yourself when you think it is necessary. The final decision
is always yours.
Do your best to ensure that your child
does not fall between the cracks. It may mean making phone calls
and personal visits; it may mean telling the workers that you won't
take no for an answer.
Find yourself a friend who can be your
support person. Feel free to bring this support pal when you see
school teachers, psychiatrists, etc.
It helps to talk it through. Tell a
friend or family member what you are experiencing in your dealings
with institutions.
The above is adapted with kind permission
of Mason, Paul and Randi Kreger. Stop Walking On Eggshells.
Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications, 1998.
Community Awareness
Educating people to recognize and name
abuse is essential to stopping parent abuse.
At the time parents are experiencing
abuse, they may not have the time, energy or desire to organize
others. When they are in crisis, community awareness is not their
primary concern. After moving out of the crises, some parents may
not wish to talk about their experiences publicly. However, parents
may wish to join with other concerned people to promote community
awareness. Some of the things parents can do to oppose parent abuse
are:
-
Discuss the issue with friends
and family.
-
Persuade a local organization (such
as a church or community centre) to offer support groups.
-
Start a group for teens.
-
Distribute materials or offer to
talk to groups and organizations in the community such as churches,
parent resource centres and women's shelters.
-
Encourage schools to have children
do projects on the topic and ask teachers to address the issue
of parent abuse in the classroom.
Professionals can distribute materials such as
this booklet.
Community action requires organization
and hard work.
Organize a One-Day Workshop
In most communities, the issue of parent
abuse is rarely discussed in public. A one-day workshop could help
to bring the issue out into the open. Parents or others who are
concerned about the issue of parent abuse could encourage an existing
organization or a group to help pull together a committee of people
who will design and organize the workshop. Police officers, social
workers, therapists, community health nurses and legal aid workers
may be interested in getting together to talk about the topic. Often,
when people begin to pool their experiences, they find that collectively
they have a great deal of knowledge about the topic. Some questions
that could be discussed at the workshop are:
What is parent abuse and who are the
perpetrators and the victims?
-
Who is most at risk (mothers, fathers,
single parents) and why?
-
Does abuse by boys and girls differ
in form or frequency?
-
At what ages does the abuse start?
-
How prevalent is this problem?
-
What forms does the violence take?
-
What causes the abuse?
-
Is there a connection between parent
abuse and other forms of abuse?
-
Has the teen witnessed violence
in the family?
-
Is there a link between this form
of violence and violence in the culture? How do families cope?
-
Where do parents and teens turn
for help?
-
What kind of help do they receive?
-
What strategies have victimized
parents found helpful?
-
What resources and tools do parents
and counsellors need?
-
How can the abuse be prevented
or lessened?
-
What responsibility is taken by
professionals?
-
What is the attitude of professionals
toward this issue?
-
Who is addressing the issue?
-
How can they better address this
issue?
The following
are sessions which worked successfully at a conference held in Halifax
in 1996:
Morning Sessions
Welcome and Introductions
Panel Presentation:
A parent and two therapists gave 10-minute
talks and answered questions from participants.
Small Group Discussion:
-
Is the abuse of parents by their
teenage children an issue in our community?
-
Is there more violence toward parents
now than in the past?
-
Why is this happening?
-
After the group discussions, brief
reports were shared.
Afternoon Sessions
Panel Presentation:
Representatives from local counselling
agencies, the shelter for battered women, and the police gave 10-minute
talks and answered questions from participants.
Small Group Discussion:
-
Why don't people talk about this
issue?
-
How can we make it a public issue?
-
A skit dramatizing a variety of
forms of parent abuse and the effect on the parent was performed
by a parents' group.
Closure:
Invite participants to share one thing
they will take away from the day.
Bibliography
Ambert, Anne-Marie. The Effect of
Children on Parents. New York: Hayworth Press, 1992.
Ambert, Anne-Marie. Parents, Children,
and Adolescents: Interactive Relationships and Development in Context.
New York: Hayworth Press, 1997.
Barkley, Jacqueline. "Reclaiming
our children: teachers as elders" in Daily Meaning: Counternarratives
of Teachers' Work. Neilsen, Allan R. (editor). Halifax: Bendall
Books, 1999. Barkley, Jacqueline. "The politics of parenting
and the youth crisis" in Power and Resistance: Critical
Thinking About Canadian Social Issues, Second Edition. Samuelson,
Les and Wayne Anthony (editors). Halifax: Fernwood Publishing, 1998.
Cottrell, Barbara and Mary Anne Finlayson.
Parent Abuse: The Abuse of Parents by Their Teenage Children.
Report and booklet. 1996.
Mason, Paul and Randi Kreger. Stop
Walking On Eggshells. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications,
1998.
Monk, Peter. "Adolescent-To-Parent
Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Emerging Themes." (Unpublished
thesis: 1997.)
Price, Jerome. Power and Compassion:
Working with Difficult Adolescents and Abused Parents. New York:
Guilford Press, 1996.
-
Cited in Shulman,
Shmuel and Inge Seiffge-Krenge. Fathers and Adolescents: Developmental
and Clinical Perspectives. London and New York: Routledge. 1997.
-
"Canada's
Alcohol & Other Drugs Survey, 1994," reported in the
1999 Statistical Report on the Health of Canadians prepared
by the Federal, Provincial & Territorial Advsiory Committee
on Population Health, Published by Health Canada, 1994.
-
Health Behaviours
in School Aged Children (HBSC) surveys. Conducted in Canada
in 1989-90; 1993-94; and 1997-98. These surveys are administered
every four years to a representative sample of youth (11, 13
& 15 years of age) in participating countries. In the 1998
survey, 28 countries participated. The report summarizes trends
in the health of Canadian youth over three surveys between 1990
and 1998.
-
The section "Parenting
has been stolen from parents" is based on the work
of Jacqueline Barkley and Anne-Marie Ambert.
|