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When my beloved grandmother suffered three strokes, my parents, with the best of intentions, did not let me go to see her in the hospital, nor was I allowed to attend her funeral. Their hope in forbidding these things was to protect me from dying, death and grief. But I learned something then that every adult knows: there is no protection from such an important fact of life. That doesn't mean we don't have to take the delicate task of helping kids deal with these issues very seriously. We do.

But where do we start? And when?

It's only natural

Ideally, we talk to our children about dying and death before they are faced with the loss of someone they care about. Death is a natural part of the cycle of life, and children can understand that flowers bloom and die or that caterpillars turn into butterflies and die. Many kids have to deal with death for the first time when a pet dies. All of these early interactions with nature are opportunities to help children start to understand death.

How much your child can truly grasp the concept depends on his or her age. Pre-school children often open up the subject with their own questions about death, either about animals, bugs or plants or about people. They may start to ask questions about their parents dying or be anxious about their own deaths.

Eight suggestions to help

When the time comes to open the conversation, it may help to keep a few things in mind:

1. Take your cues from the child. Don't expect any child to take in too much at one time. Kids tend to want simple information in small amounts; they'll come back with more questions when they're ready.



2. Be honest about death. Sidestepping the issue doesn't protect children and also conveys the sense that there's something unnatural or uncomfortable about the subject. If you don't know the answer to a question, however, admit it. It's a complex subject and it's okay to say so.



3. Offer plenty of reassurances. Yes, some people may get very sick and die but most generally live a long, long time and don't die until they're very old. Let them know you expect to live to a nice old age.



4. If you're too uncomfortable with the subject or feel you can't speak properly about it, consider using books to help. If you need help choosing something appropriate, ask at the library or book store. Child and Family Canada offers a few suggestions, and the website of Bereaved Families of Ontario has a fairly extensive list.



5. Steer clear of euphemisms for death such as "passed away," "went away" or "went to sleep." It's important that, whatever their age, children understand the finality of death. And equating death with "sleep" or going "away" can make a young child afraid of going to bed at night or saying goodbye to you when you go off to work!



6. Ritual is an important part of death-and of coming to terms with death. If a pet dies, it may be wise to make a ceremony around its burial. Similarly, it's fine for children to go to funerals if they want to, but it's best to prepare them ahead of time for what might happen there—and for the fact that many people may be upset.



7. Let them know that grief is normal. If you are upset about the death of someone, you don't need to hide it. It can help children to feel comfortable with normal expressions of emotion.



8. If your child wants to talk about what happens to people after they die, it's a good time to talk about your own beliefs but it's also wise to let children know that different people believe different things. Acknowledging other points of view gives permission to children to have their own as well.