Smashed
TP 1535 E

The following is a true story

It was close to dinnertime when my daughter Nancy and her best friend Lee stopped by.  I wanted them to stay and eat with us, but they were both too excited.  Lee was getting married and they were on their way to pick up the dresses for her wedding.   I’ve played the whole thing over in my mind so many times.  If only I could have talked them into staying, Nancy would be alive today.   Two hours after they left the house, we received a phone call from the hospital telling us there had been a car crash and to get there right away. We couldn’t even say good-bye to Nancy.  Her body had been mangled so badly that the hospital wouldn’t allow us to see her.  Even the priest had to give her the last rites through the operating room door.   Just a few hours earlier, her eyes were filled with so much promise.   So much light! A recent college graduate, Nancy had found a great job as a controller for BLM Transport and had just moved into her own place.  I was so proud of her.   In an instant, it was all over.  After drinking for hours on end, a young man got behind the wheel of his car to drive home.  Instead, he swerved and drove straight into Lee’s car, killing my daughter.  His blood alcohol content was .288 — three and a half times the legal limit! With a few minor injuries, he was out of the hospital in a few days.  And he served only six months in jail for killing Nancy.   Throughout the whole ordeal, MADD Canada was always there for me.  Since we had no idea what was involved, MADD Canada prepared us for the court procedures we would go through.  To this day, I still rely on their support group meetings for comfort.  As well, Nancy’s former employer put the MADD logo and a photo of Nancy on all their trucks.   I now work to help others who, unfortunately, face the same kind of tragedy and to prevent it from continuing.  I know what the pain is like.  It’s real and it doesn’t go away. Throughout the year I travel, speaking at schools, malls and civic centres, warning about the dangers of drinking and driving.  Each time I tell Nancy’s story I think it will get easier.  It doesn’t! I remind myself that if I don’t tell my story, drunk driving will continue ... that killing someone’s child will be acceptable.   Sandra Henderson

Making Sense of the Senseless:
The Emotional Trauma of Losing a Loved One to Impaired Driving

The loss of someone you love is always devastating and terribly difficult. When the death is sudden and violent, it can be even more traumatic. There are no laws or guidelines governing the grief process one experiences after the sudden death of a loved one.  The emotions are complex and can often be overwhelming.

Hurt, anger, sadness and frustration are just some of the emotions a senseless and violent death causes. The loss of a loved one because of an impaired driving crash brings an abrupt end to all future dreams and aspirations.  There is no chance to say good-bye, no time to say thank you or I’m sorry.  There are loose ends that will never be tied up.  In particular, when someone has lost a child or a partner, they often feel guilty that they couldn’t protect them.

Many people believe that we have spirits or souls, but our bodies are also important.  The violence of auto accidents often leaves the victims unrecognizable, even to their own families.  The hospital or funeral home may not permit viewing of the body, which can lead families into painful fantasies about how their loved one looked; or they may doubt that the person has actually died.  For many families, seeing the body gives them closure that the person they loved is really gone.

Central to the trauma that families and friends experience after a crash is the senselessness of the death.  The fact that the death could have been prevented and is clearly someone’s fault is one of the most painful parts of grieving. Knowing that someone chose to be negligent cannot be understood. Many people report feelings of intense anger, even rage, at the offender.

Anger is a theme that can sometimes be central to the grieving process.  There is anger not only at the offender and sometimes "the system" but also at other family members.  Because people experience the sudden loss differently, some may feel anger at the way other family members appear to be moving on.  Even anger toward the person who has died — due to feelings of abandonment — is not unusual.  Anger covers up the underlying sadness that may be more difficult to endure.

Anxiety and fear are also common.  Suddenly families realize their vulnerability, a concept that may not have been fully understood before tragedy touched their lives. Often people hold on to the belief that bad things don’t happen to good people.  When that idea is destroyed, it may be replaced with fear and a sense of powerlessness that is overwhelming.

The emotional aftermath of losing a loved one to impaired driving is filled with feelings and experiences not even touched upon in this short discussion.  The road to feeling better is often blocked; many people feel they will never be happy again.  While it is true that life will never be the same, families do survive the ordeal.  Many manage to gain strength and find happiness again. Ultimately, what people are left with is sorrow. Sorrow encompasses the knowledge that you will always feel sadness over the tragic loss of your loved one; however, it also represents a step away from being overwhelmed by grief.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) Canada