Articles of the Month

"Unresolved Resolutions"

Every New Year's, people make vows to themselves and to others; to improve themselves in some way, to complete a long-awaited task or simply to fix that squeak in the springs of the couch. Whatever the New Year's resolution, they all share one common thread: they are the most outrageous collection of lies and procrastinated tasks ever assembled.

If I had a nickel for every New Year's resolution I've given up on over my short 16 years, I'd already be rich. Promises to "lose that excess weight" or "push that average above 90%" are forgotten about within one week of the New Year. Am I really that lazy? Probably, yes, but mine is a special case. I'm a procrastinator of the highest caliber, and anyone wishing to pull off some of the stunts I have should consider an apprenticeship with some other god-awful lazy slob before starting.

But the question remains: Why do we seem to forget all about our New Year's resolutions so quickly? Perhaps the answer lies in our fast-paced world. With all of the work we youth have to accomplish, whether related to academic adventures, extra-curricular endeavours, or a part-time job, when do we really have time for self-improvement? As it is now, I scarcely have time to maintain and nurture an already fragile and wounded social life, let alone actually carry out on those Egg Nog induced promises of the holiday season.

Perhaps it's the very nature of the resolution itself; possibly, we're making our declarations for improvement far too advanced. Most of us have heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timed). Is it time we started to base our resolutions on those principles? I sure hope not. As it is, I already spend far too much time coming up with New Year's resolutions, let alone stopping to worry about feasibility or some other foreign concept like that. That would just outright take the fun out of breaking the resolution, because you can't blame it on anything except for laziness.

Not to imply that the desire to change one's self is wrong, quite the contrary. If we become complacent, we end the search of happiness, of paradise. Is a life without suffering really living? Or is suffering just a subconscious reasoning taking into account the subjective living standard and the comparative? hey, there's a squiggly line above the "Esc" key! Alright, that's enough of dabbling in abstract philosophical theories.

Our problem remains, however. We still haven't gotten down to the bottom of it all. There must be some universal excuse, some generalized genetic disability within the human species that can account for such a lax report on keeping our New Year's resolutions. Some aberration of human nature, perhaps? Could an airborne "procrastination" molecule be the answer, and more importantly, would that excuse work on my English teacher? Maybe there is no answer, at least one that wouldn't require years of deep examination of my fellow man in an attempt to unravel various myths of the human psyche. If I can't commit to completing my homework on a more consistent basis, or keeping my room in some resemblance of organization, there's nary a chance I'm even going to contemplate to begin to attempt such an in-depth bit of research.

There are some things in life that we just do not know the answer to. What is the meaning of life? Why do they call it "responsible government"? Why are chip bags half full of air? Why is it that the burnt out bulb on a string of unresponsive Christmas lights is always in the exact middle, and never on the very end? Some things we just aren't meant to know. Why do we make New Year's resolutions when, often times, we have absolutely no intention of following through with them? It's a riddle for the ages, and one I cannot seem to answer in this context. Better luck next year.

Now, where was I? Ah, yes. This year, I resolve to...