Illustration by Jillian Tamaki.
The campaign buses are headed out across the country. The candidates are primed. It’s Canada Votes… Again!
To lighten up what promises to be a retread of the last federal election (only a lot more nasty), we’ve done a little image consulting, taking a page from former U.S. president Bill Clinton. The Arkansas governor was trailing incumbent George Bush in the polls in 1992 when he made an appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show. Wearing dark sunglasses, he played Heartbreak Hotel on his saxophone. That appearance turned the race around, and made Clinton America’s first rock and roll president. The same might just work for Canada’s next leader. Here are some unsolicited pop-culture makeovers for our federal party leaders.
Leader: Stephen Harper, 46,
Conservative Party
PR challenge: Zero charm and
even he knows it. Harper once joked that he was
the only person who actually looked like his
passport photo. (Actually, that was kind of funny.
Maybe there is some charm buried deep beneath
those steely, unblinking eyes.)
Image makeover: Harper needs
a little casual rumple to warm him
up. Clearly, the cowboy
look is not
the way to go. But a few photo ops
playing with his kids in jeans and
a sweater would allow Canadians to
see a glimmer of Harper’s humanity.
Suggested campaign theme song: Country
music is too obvious, so classic
Canuck rock it is. If Harper goes
negative on the Liberals, there’s
Trooper’s Dump
That Guy,
or A Fine
Mess (You’ve Gotten Us Into). But for sheer,
hard-rocking, beer-drinking, pissed-off
populist appeal, the band’s Raise
a Little Hell is perfect: “If you
don’t like what you got, why don’t
you change it? / If your world is all
screwed up, then rearrange it / Raise
a little hell, raise a little hell,
raise a little hell!”
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Calgary
Flames captain Jarome
Iginla is exactly the kind
of star power Harper needs. He’s Alberta-born,
plays the country’s beloved national sport, is
biracial (which would address concerns that the
Conservative Party lacks diversity) and, most important,
he’s as warmly charismatic as Harper is awkwardly
wooden.
Suggested favourite book: Harper
has a reputation for being a bit
of a policy wonk, so a folksy book
like Stuart
McLean’s Vinyl
Café Diaries would play up his softer side,
plus it might win over a few of the
latte-swilling, CBC-listening central
Canadians who tend to vote Liberal
or NDP.
Leader: Prime Minister Paul
Martin, 67, Liberal Party
PR challenge: A country that
believes the Liberal Party is full of big, fat
lying liars and corporate backscratchers. Martin
often gets criticized for his aloofness and occasional
temper tantrums.
Image makeover: It’s a tough
one. Too casual and he looks like a dilettante;
too buttoned-down and he looks like an untrustworthy
suit. He may want to rely on high-profile Liberals,
like corporate powerhouse Belinda Stronach, hockey
legend Ken Dryden and intellectual Michael Ignatieff
to turn around the party’s fortunes.
Suggested campaign theme song: At
first glance, the shipping magnate
doesn’t seem to have much in common
with Toronto rapper Maestro
Fresh Wes. But Wes’s comeback anthem Stick
to Your Vision, which
samples the Guess Who's These Eyes,
could be based on Paul Martin’s life:
“(These eyes) seen a lot of shame
in the game / (These eyes) seen a
lot of pain with the fame / (These
eyes) seen a lot of highs and lows,
but that's just the way life goes.”
Suggested celebrity endorsement: With
Bono busting
his chops, Martin might
want to find some new musician-activist
friends. Maybe War Child darlings
Raine
Maida and Chantal
Kreviazuk could lend their support.
Suggested favourite book: Touting
Peter C. Newman’s The
Secret Mulroney Tapes could draw attention
away from the Liberals’ troubles
and remind voters that Conservatives
can be intemperate idiots, too.
In need of pop culture makeovers? Prime Minister Paul Martin sits next to Conservative Leader Stephen Harper, Bloc Quebecois Leader Gilles Duceppe and NDP Leader Jack Layton at a reception for the Canadian Arab Federation last week in Ottawa. (CP Photo/Jonathan Hayward)
Leader: Gilles Duceppe, 58,
Bloc Québécois
PR challenge: Outside Quebec,
he is generally considered the guy who wants
to rip apart the country.
Image makeover: Adscam backlash
will most certainly help the BQ pick up seats
in Quebec, but for reasons that are obvious,
the party has no interest in fostering national
appeal. Duceppe, an erstwhile Communist and labour
organizer, can be a bit of a frump, preferring
the standard white shirt with a dark suit combination
to a modern, slick look. He should reconsider.
It took him years to live down his dork image
after the press caught him in a hair net touring
a cheese factory in 1997. How about some fitted
shirts and silk ties in indigo and charcoal to
highlight his piercing blue eyes?
Suggested campaign theme song: Patriotic
and chicly nostalgic, 1970s Quebec
pop star Michel
Pagliaro’s J’ai
marché pour une nation(recorded in English
as Walking
Across the Nation) seems
apropos: “Et j'ai marché pour une
nation / Qui je crois veux vivre
libre / Et on entend la revolution
/ Qui voudrait bien tout nous dire” (“I have
walked for a nation / that I think wants
to live free / and we hear the revolution
/ that wants to tell us everything”).
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Who
else but septuagenarian separatist
Raymond Lévesque? The esteemed singer-songwriter
made
headlines last month when he
refused a $15,000 Governor General's
Award because of his anti-federalist beliefs.
In response, a group of separatists
passed the hat and gave Levesque
$33,000 for his commitment to the
cause.
Suggested favourite film: Jean-Marc
Vallée’s C.R.A.Z.Y. was a critical
and box-office hit this summer. Set
in Montreal in the 1970s and 1980s,
it celebrates traditional French-Canadian
values (family and the Catholic Church)
while asserting a tolerant, open-minded
future for Quebec.
Leader: Jack Layton, 55,
New Democratic Party
PR challenge: Despite his
savvy political manoeuvres this
year,
Layton is still regarded by some
of mainstream Canada as a tree-hugging,
same-sex-marriage-embracing radical.
In order to maintain a positive
momentum, he needs to hang on
to his traditional left-wing supporters
while coming across as a safe choice for moderates.
Image makeover: Layton has
already crafted a debonair look that balances
gravitas (nice suits) with personal flair (NDP-orange
ties). The moustache, however, is as divisive
as a Quebec referendum. Does it scream firefighter
macho, or Village People disco? Only the voters
can decide.
Suggested campaign theme song: Apologies
to stalwart Jack supporters the Barenaked
Ladies, but Layton could broaden
his appeal in youth, immigrant and
urban communities by choosing something
by Portuguese-Canadian songstress
Nelly
Furtado. How about the song
Forca, commissioned
for the Euro 2004 soccer championship?
The title means “strength” and the
lyrics are rousingly feel-good: “It
is that flower that you took the time to smell
/ It is the power that you know you got as
well / It is the fear inside that
you can overcome / This is the orchestra,
the rhythm and the drum.” It’s just
the thing to distinguish Layton from the negative
battle between Martin and Harper.
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Kiefer
Sutherland. Not only is he the grandson
of Tommy “universal healthcare” Douglas,
but as 24’s
Jack Bauer, Kiefer kicked some serious
bad-guy butt. Who better to prove
that socialism isn’t for sissies?
Suggested favourite film: Egghead
enough to make him look serious,
but popular enough that voters will recognize it, Les
invasions barbares (The Barbarian
Invasions), Denys Arcand’s sequel to his
popular Le Déclin de l'empire américain (The
Decline of the American Empire), won an
Oscar for best foreign film. Talky
and full of debate about books, politics,
sex, friendship, love and family, it’s exactly
the kind of film that Layton — a man who’s
never met a microphone he didn’t
love — should admire.
Rachel Giese writes about the arts for CBC.ca.
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