The World According to Sly

Sylvester Stallone at an open casting call for his little-watched reality television series, The Contender. Photo by Giulio Marcocchi. Courtesy Gerry Images Entertainment.

Don’t call it a comeback — Sylvester Stallone’s just-launched vanity magazine, Sly, is entirely too craptastic to lift the action star’s flagging Q rating back to the dizzying heights of “Yo, Adrian! I did it!” (Rocky II), “I think my underwear is riding into my throat” (Tango & Cash), or even “Emotions… there ought to be a law against them” (Judge Dredd). From cover to finish, Sly is chock full of Stallone’s trademarked unintentional comedy. Highlighting its faults is like shooting fish in a barrel with Rambo’s machine-gun, but… well, fun!

Stallone’s mag, targeted at the man who lusts for a Corvette on his 45th birthday, is the latest in a raft of celebrity titles: O, The Oprah Magazine; Rosie; Gene Simmons's Tongue. Sly is published by American Media, David Pecker’s Florida-based tabloid empire (National Enquirer, Star, The Globe, etc.). Its masthead lists celebrity-obsessed, hot-shot editrix Bonnie Fuller as chief editorial director, which explains its mix of hard-bodied action photos with short, salacious text. Also worth noting: Sly’s 26-member advisory board includes a dermatologist, urologist and three experts on training and powerlifting.

Everybody knows you can’t judge a book by its cover, but this magazine? Most definitely. Here is Sly, in its own words…

“Stay in the Game Past 40”; Be Your Best at 40, 50 & ForeverM Sly’s longest article, “Staying in the Game” (page 74) parrots the mag’s tagline. Writer Sam Borden describes boxer George Foreman in his lead paragraph: “Maybe he had a hint of man breasts and maybe his trunks looked more like some sort of freakish silk parachute, but it didn’t matter in the 10th round.” A summary of Foreman’s 1994 knockout victory over young lion Michael Moorer follows. Problem: Big George, shown glowering in his boxing shorts beside a subhead that says “Ageless Iron Man,” looks disturbingly similar to The Thing from Fantastic Four.

Later, Borden showers praise on 41-year-old NBA superstar Karl Malone: “Karl learned the same thing Foreman, [baseball pitcher Randy] Johnson and 40-year-old athletes still performing at elite levels have discovered: Growing older is a fact of life. Getting old isn’t.” Problem: Malone retired from basketball after Sly went to press, citing chronic knee injuries. Whoops!

25 Anti-Aging Tips (That Work)
From “25 Ways to Beat the Clock” (page 94):

“1. Get Some Exercise – Any Exercise… Besides keeping you fit, exercise helps your blood vessels stay as pliable and elastic as Burt Reynolds’ face.”

Memo to Sly: Have you seen Burt Reynolds’ face lately? Reminiscent of the second coming of Joan Rivers.

Sylvester Stallone at an open casting call for his little-watched reality television series, The Contender. Photo by Giulio Marcocchi. Courtesy Gerry Images Entertainment.

How to Always Have: Stamina! Energy! Performance! In Bed, In Life! Wow! So Exciting! The secret to sexual health and wellness, according to Sly, comes “through your mouth”: “Harder, Made Easier” (page 72) lists eight herbal remedies, from Horny Goat Weed to Potency Wood, to help achieve “optimal erecting effects.” The article’s ninth “sex pill”? M&M;’s. Really.

40 Ways to Look Your Best Now Having flipped through Sly 40 times, I have no idea which article this refers to. Short answer: lift big weights, wear small T-shirts.

“I’m 58 and in better shape now than 25 years ago… and you can be too!” Stallone’s 30-minute workout (“All Gain, No Pain,” page 113) is not noticeably different/better than anything found in Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health, or Men’s Journal. What is worth noting, however, is his magazine’s inclusion of a column on cigar culture (“Up in Smoke,” page 46). Because nothing says “physical fitness” like a mouthful of cancer.

Exclusive: Rocky VI, First Look Sly excerpts Rocky VI’s script on page 104. The movie will pit an old-and-busted Italian Stallion against a young-and-chiselled black bruiser. (See: Rocky III, Clubber Lang.) Also – spoiler alert! – Adrian is dead.

Rocky (looks around): Looks like nothin’ changed here, same everythin’. Andy [Rocky’s “old bartender friend”]: Yeah, same comfortable junk. Listen, a while back heard about ya wife’s passin’. Rocky: Yeah, ‘woman’s cancer.’ Andy: Nice girl — Rocky: … Best ever.

Bonus: What’s not on the cover… Sly includes a whopping nine pages of advertisements for Instone, the actor’s line of weightlifting supplements. Open the mag to any random spread, and you have a good chance of seeing Stallone all flexed and sweaty. Uh, yay.

“10 Tough Questions” (page 14): Stallone goes Barbara Walters on actor Ray Liotta. Question: “What is your worst fear in life: loneliness or baldness?” Answer: “Well, nowadays it seems baldness is in. I would have to say loneliness.”

“Unfaithfully Yours” (page 58): A service guide for catching unfaithful wives. Sample advice: “Buy a semen detection kit. Sure it’s a fantastically paranoid/psycho thing to buy, but John LaSage, founder of Chatcheaters.com, says demand for these at-home tests has never been greater.”

“Sly’s Top 10 Tips for Life” (page 120): “3. Enthusiasm is like a wonderful disease – keep rubbing it all over yourself until you’re infected.”

Matthew McKinnon writes about the arts for CBC.ca.