 |
"To become a father is not hard—to be a father is."
Whoever said that got it just right.
As more Canadian men become actively involved in child-rearing, their ability to nurture seems to be flourishing. Studies highlight the value of affection and supportive behaviour, emphasizing the need for such qualities rather than reliance on strict discipline and "laying down the law".
Have you ever wondered what Canadian men think about their role as fathers?
The small sample we spoke to cannot reflect the vast diversity of ethnic backgrounds, religious beliefs and economic circumstances of Canadian family men, but we suspect that there are also many similarities.
Has being a father or a grandfather changed in the last 50 years? According to the men interviewed for this article it certainly has.
From roles in the household to fatherly contact to the modified roles that grandparents now play in child rearing, there has been a clear shift from distance and discipline to loving and sharing in a child's healthy development.
But how many of us have ever stopped to ask our fathers questions about their life, their feelings, their challenges, and their views of being a father?
Here are some interview answers given by four men at various stages of fatherhood:
 |
A pharmacist in his early thirties
who has very recently become a father. He works in Charlottetown,
Prince Edward Island.
-New dad
|
 |
A former restaurant owner in his fifties who grew up in Wales. He has four daughters, aged 14, 16, 19 and 25.
-Father of teenage daughters
|
 |
A retired college instructor and administrator in his fifties with three children ranging from age 21 to 28.
-Retired instructor and father
|
 |
A man in his fifties who has worked in health promotion for the better part of the last decade. He is the father of two grown children and a six-year-old grand daughter.
-Grandfather
|
Throughout the course of the interviews it became apparent that no matter what age a man is, and what stage of fatherhood he is
in, certain themes are consistent.
Read on and find out about these fathers' views…
On contributing to activities and
development…
A father's involvement in their children's growth can ensure a wealth
of positive and supportive experiences that they can then pass on
to their children or other important people in their life. Whether
the contribution is helping with a school project, chauffeuring
them to friends' homes or simply taking a walk and talking with
their children, the result is a resounding sense of belonging and
love that lasts a lifetime.
|
"We keep a safe environment in the house, promote a
healthy lifestyle, getting outside, being active, exercising,
eating right."
-New dad
|
|
"My job is to be able to peel off a twenty when they
want to go to the movies, or to buy them that camp experience
or send them on a school trip, or pay the mortgage."
-Father of teenage daughters
|
|
"A well-rounded upbringing in development with opportunities
for all kinds of diverse activities and opportunities for
kids to make all kinds of choices."
-Retired instructor and father
|
On the challenges of fatherhood…
From small challenges to large ones, here are some views on how
fatherhood can prove difficult:
|
"I think it's just getting a grasp on everything. It's
easy to pass advice on to someone else's child but when it's
your own it puts things in a different perspective."
-New dad
|
|
"Creating a balance between discipline and freedom.
The challenge is to know what's right and to value and support
and encourage your child while still directing them in some
way and making sure that you're not just directing them towards
things that you failed to do."
-Father of teenage daughters
|
|
"To let the kids go on their own and move on in life
and still want to somehow make sure that what's happening
is going to be the best for them."
-Retired instructor and father
|
On personal strengths as a father or grandfather…
Each person approaches the responsibility of being a father or grandfather
differently, with their individual characteristics emerging as a
forté. Here are some of the strengths that our interviewees
feel they possess in this role:
|
"To be a positive role model for my child, teaching
right from wrong, my own personal values, helping her to grow
and play. When she does get to the age where we'll have to
discipline her, I'll do it in a fair and just way."
-New dad
|
|
"I think I'm a loving parent and that's actually what
I do best. I see my children as being caring and reasonably
confident and I think that probably I'm caring and reasonably
confident."
-Father of teenagers
|
|
"I always feel I've been there for them."
-Retired instructor and father
|
|
"Warmth"
-Grandfather
|
On support…
Driving your child to the little league game, encouraging your son
or daughter to join the choir, and all the while co-supporting the
family - the theme of support means different things to different
people.
|
"I try to be supportive, encouraging, affectionate,
clear and consistent. I try to be financially supportive.
A roof over the head, clothes, but I tend to think that spiritual
and emotional support are as important."
-Father of teenage daughters
|
|
"Show an interest in what they are doing. Support them
by watching them or participating with them where that's possible…financially
where that's needed or where that's required."
-Retired instructor and father
|
|
"With the change of being more active and involved with
the grandchild there's probably an increase in involvement
with some of the developmental processes. Everything from
helping them learn to read to body development."
-Grandfather
|
On consistency…
Consistency is one of the most important things a father can offer
a child as a contribution to her or his healthy development. Interestingly,
this was not a specific interview question; rather these comments
came up naturally through the course of the interview. These dads
obviously get it!
|
"Being at home, being a constant presence, helping her
to grow as a person, setting a good example."
-New dad
|
|
"People know that I am still going to love them whatever
they do"
-Father of teenage daughters
|
|
"Someone that they can come to, not be afraid to come
and share their sorrows, their griefs, and their disappointments,
as well as their high times."
-Retired instructor and father
|
|
"I think she perceives me as somebody warm and somebody
safe…consistent…I think consistency is valuable…"
-Grandfather
|
On rewards…
Have you ever owned a T-shirt that said "World's Greatest Dad"?
Of course, the reward of being a father can be as simple as a loving
look from your son or daughter. Here are some of our interviewees'
thoughts on this topic:
|
"When I hold her and she looks at me and smiles and
laughs."
-New dad
|
|
"To see them starting to build, you know, to be independent."
-Retired instructor and father
|
|
"Just the time, just being able to be with her is one
of the more fulfilling parts of this part of my life."
-Grandfather
|
On love…
While love can be expressed in words, it can also be shown equally
effectively in a touch, a smile, a gesture, or the simple inclusion
of someone special in your life.
|
"Making them understand
that they are loved and valued."
"I used to think that I was a loving person but I don't
think I ever really loved anybody until I became a parent."
-Father of teenage daughters |
|
"Brings me back more in touch with what's really important
in life."
-Grandfather
|
On advice…
Fathers offer all kinds of advice, about everything from saving
money and putting the cap on the toothpaste tube to car maintenance
tips. We asked three of them for the most important advice they
have for their children and here's what we heard:
|
"I know it might sound like a cliché, but just
enjoy every day and live the moment."
-New dad
|
|
"Develop, respect, and follow your intuition."
-Father of teenage daughters
|
|
"Wherever they go in life, and whatever they do, they
are already fully equipped with the skills that are needed.
All they really need to do is kind of take their time and
use their God-given gifts and skills that they've developed."
-Retired instructor and father
|
It is interesting to get such answers from men of varied ages,
some of whom grew up in an era when corporal punishment was taken
for granted and bullying never made the headlines.
Perhaps we really are headed for a more equitable future where
mothers and fathers both share in the joys of child rearing and
the subsequent satisfaction that comes when a healthy child develops
into a healthy and happy adult.
References:
About
Voices. Voices for Children.
National
Child Day: Canada's Children Deserve Better: Interview with
Mary Gordon, November 2002. Voices for Children.
Why
The Early Years Are So Important. Child and Family Canada.
Recipe
For A Healthy Child. Canadian Child Care Federation.
|
This article was prepared by the Eastern Co-operative Health Organization.
