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n February, Statistics Canada released a study indicating that 16-and 17-year-old
boys and girls were more likely to experience the symptoms of depression if
their relationship with their fathers was not close (Statistics
Canada, 2005).
Conversely, those who claimed to have warm, affectionate, positive relationships
with their dads appeared to be in better mental health during those teenage
years-regardless of whether they lived with one parent or both. Boys claimed
to have closer ties with their fathers than girls did at ages 16 and 17; more
girls reported higher levels of anxiety than boys the same age. But here's the
thing: it's just around this age-preadolescence and beyond-that many fathers
start to feel less needed and they unwittingly pull away.
The great divide
It's inevitable that around adolescence, girls will start to separate a little
from their families and put their energy into relationships with their friends.
They may develop more interest in feminine things and have less time for the
family pursuits they once loved. Fathers invariably feel replaced by the girlfriends,
the telephone, the mall, the computer--and many feel the loss deeply.
What dads may not realize, though, is that their daughters are moving away
just as much from their mothers—but their mothers are finding ways to stay connected
and involved. "The reason mums can stay close is they do a lot of things without
expecting much back," explains psychologist Margo Maine, author of Father
Hunger: Fathers, Daughters and Food. "They do car-pooling, for example.
You're in the car with your daughter and her friends and you get a view of what's
going on in their lives and then, after everyone is dropped off, you get 10
minutes of alone time."
"When kids are little and dad clearly knows what he can do and what his role
is, in terms of activities and structure and discipline and all that, fathers
have an easier time," she adds. "As girls start to become their own individual
selves, a lot of dads have a harder time knowing how to connect." As Maine points
out, in the early years fathers bring daughters into their lives—they go
fishing together, ride their bikes, go the hardware store. "As she gets older,
he has to go into her life more and be interested in her life."
The importance of dad
It's often said that a girl marries someone like her dad (and a boy someone
like his mother) but the impact of the father-daughter relationship is far more
complex than that. To be sure, an adult woman's relationship with men has been
influenced by the one she has with her father. As Maine explains it, girls expect
to relate to other adult men as they do to their fathers. "That's why it's
so important for men to take an active role with their daughters and show respect
for them, because it will colour what she'll expect to experience in roles with
men. And even though they (often) don't show it, adolescent daughters can feel
a real loss of what they had with their fathers when they were younger. "
Stay connected
The key for dads—no matter how much they are around--is to understand
how important they are to their daughters' well-being (even though they may
feel nonexistent, or worse, some of the time) and to find ways to relate to
these budding young women that's different from how they connected to them as
little girls. "The adolescent years are hard years for fathers and daughters
but they can be incredibly rewarding," says Maine.
Even if you're separated from your daughter because of work or divorce, it's
just important to be as connected to her as possible, whether it's by phone,
email or letter. Let her know she has an open invitation (and the cab or airfare,
if necessary) to see you anytime, scheduled or unscheduled. And when you do
have time together, focus on her and make the most of it. Otherwise:
- Take over some of the necessary chauffeuring of your daughter. "Mums regularly
change their schedules to be involved in kids' lives—take them to their lessons
or games, volunteer for school—whereas fathers are much less likely to
do that," Maine notes. "Dads need to make their daughters' activities important
to them. A dad rearranging his life for his daughter is a great statement."
Volunteer as an assistant coach on her team, go to a movie, pick all the kids
up after a party.
- Go to functions at her school and, if you can, volunteer there.
- Try not to talk to your daughter the way you might sometimes talk to a co-worker
or employee. Keeping the relationship going through rockier years involves
not lecturing and not expecting everything to be done your way.
- Take an interest in her interests. Ask her about them—and listen when
she tells you!
- Run errands with her. Be the one who takes her for new shoes. Every minute
together counts!
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This article was prepared by Nora Underwood for the 
