Illustration by Jillian Tamaki
It’s not Christmas I despise, it’s the soundtrack. As intrinsic to the holiday season as rock-hard fruitcakes, spiteful crowds and overpriced photo ops with mall Santas, Christmas singles creep onto radio playlists in mid-November and don’t stop chiming until the New Year. (There are even stations that devote the entire month of December to holiday music, but the less said about them, the better.) There’s no shortage of pop singers willing to take a crack at an old chestnut or — heaven forfend! — compose a new one. Here are some of the worst holiday offerings.
Jingle Bells, Frank Sinatra (1957)
Frank Sinatra was known for his smooth phrasing
and relaxed delivery. On this hoary
carol, Ol’ Blue Eyes sounds like Ol’ Shut-Eye;
his performance is utterly soporific, and not
in a charming, Perry Como sort of way. Sinatra’s
backup singers take liberties with the chorus
(“J-I-N-G-L-E bells!”), which has the adverse
effect of turning the song into a spelling tutorial.
Santa, Come Up to See Me Sometime,
Mae West (1968)
Recorded in 1968, when erstwhile screen siren
Mae West was in her 70s, this misguided
single is characterized by creepy come-ons
(“What you could give me for Christmas / is nothing
to what I could give you”) and an inexplicable
falsetto section. The fact that this song was
intended as parody cannot disguise its fundamental
awfulness.
Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano (1970)
This one’s a special kind of annoying. The
buoyant Neil Diamond vibe is actually quite endearing,
but that voice! Perhaps it’s residual
contempt for Feliciano’s defiling of the Doors’ Light
My Fire or the fact that he always sounds
like he’s on the verge of sneezing, but I can’t
hear this song without wanting to cancel Christmas
altogether.
Happy Xmas (War Is Over), John Lennon
and the Plastic Ono Band (1971)
Sleigh bells? Check. Tympanis? Yep.
Sighing strings? Uh-huh. Children’s
choir? Most definitely. If the orchestration
offers any clues, Lennon seemed intent
on writing the most cloying Christmas song ever.
Advocating for peace is commendable, but why not
just write a poem?
Mary’s Boy Child, Boney M (1978)
Boney M score points for spicing this Christmas
classic with Caribbean flavour, but there’s something
so sterile about the vocal harmonies, steel drums
and unforgiving disco beat that it never fails
to make me shudder.
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Bruce
Springsteen (1984)
This one has always sounded more like a dare
than a legitimate cover. The Boss burbles like
he’s three sheets to the wind; the mincing piano
vamp, on the other hand, feels almost satirical.
Proof positive that during the holiday season,
otherwise reasonable musicians develop a tin
ear. More eggnog, Bruce?
Fairytale of New York, Shane MacGowan
and Kristy MacColl (1987)
“It was Christmas Eve, babe / in the drunk
tank.” So begins this modern-day carol, one of
the slushiest holiday tunes of all time. Shane
MacGowan is perfectly cast as a tippler seeking
yuletide salvation, but the only thing more distasteful
than looking
at the Pogues frontman is hearing him warble.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,
John Cougar Mellencamp (1989)
John Mellencamp does not have what one would
call a “delicate” voice; in fact, his gruff delivery
should preclude him from getting within 20 feet
of a Christmas carol. The song’s Cajun-flavoured
accompaniment (accordions, slide guitar, cowbell)
has a certain zip, but Mellencamp robs this carol
of all melody. The tuneless children’s chorus
in the coda adds insult to an injurious outing.
Meowy Christmas, Jingle Cats (1994)
In the early ’90s, some savvy producer decided
to sample his cats to sound like they were singing
Christmas carols. It’s hard to single out the
worst cut. I don’t know what irks me most: the
horrific sound of digitally manipulated catsong,
the cynicism of doing so or the fact that this
was followed by Jingle Dogs.
All I Want for Christmas Is You,
Mariah Carey (1994)
The feeling is not mutual. Carey’s
contribution to the Christmas canon (she co-wrote
the song) is full of syrupy string flourishes
and Carey’s usual vocal palpitations. In other
words, not unlike the Jingle Cats.
O Holy Night, Celine Dion (1998)
The problem with this entry isn’t the
source material, but the fact that Dion thinks
she’s still
recording the soundtrack to Titanic.
Throwing all notions of subtlety
overboard, Dion belts out this hallowed carol
like she was stumping for another
Oscar.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Kenny
G. (2005)
Kenny G.’s saxophone has done incalculable
damage to jazz, to pop, to makeout music. This
suffocating version of a holiday fave is his
attempt to bring down Christmas. He very nearly
succeeds.
Andre Mayer writes about the arts for CBC.ca.
CBC
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Letters:
"Fairytale of New York" as
one of the worst-ever Christmas
songs? Not according to the viewers
of VH1 for two years in a row,
and if Shane MacGowan sounds (accurately)
like the drunk character he portrays
in the song, the dearly departed
Kirsty MacColl has the voice of
an angel. Besides, given the usual
Christmas syrupy slush, it's decidedly
refreshing to hear a Christmas
lyric like, "You're a bum,
you're a punk, you're an old slut
on junk!"
Bryan Bondy
Picton, Ontario
![](/web/20071217180942im_/http://www.cbc.ca/arts/images/spacer_blue.gif)
I have to take exception to your
inclusion of John Lennon's "Happy
Xmas (War Is Over)" in your
list of the worst Christmas singles,
not least because it remains for
many people a Christmas classic
(a recent BBC poll listed the song
as second only to Bing Crosby's "White
Christmas" in popularity in
Britain), but because the plea
to end human suffering by means
of war and famine remains as relevant
today as it did during Lennon's
time, as it did during Christ's
time.
Cliche? Perhaps. However, I find
that this song carries a lot more
substance than a lot of the lightweight
fare we have to endure during the
run-up to Christmas Day. It contains
a lot less sugar, too.
Apart from that, I enjoyed your
article. :)
Nick Bolton
Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire,
England
![](/web/20071217180942im_/http://www.cbc.ca/arts/images/spacer_blue.gif)
Right on! I am so glad someone
finally had the guts to identify
some of the most horrible "Christmas" music
ever recorded. The list should
include Bing Crosby's "Little
Drummer Boy," Burl Ives' "Holly
Jolly Christmas," and that
god-awful song about grandma getting
run over by a reindeer...
Ann Merry
Troy, Michigan
![](/web/20071217180942im_/http://www.cbc.ca/arts/images/spacer_blue.gif)
Boy did you hit the mark with
your comments re. Kenny G.
Jim
Delta, British Columbia
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Thank you for the curmudgeon's
guide to the worst Christmas songs.
I'm still laughing as I type this.
I was feeling VERY cranky before
I read it, but now my mood has
magically improved. Only problem
is--why did you have to mention
Feliz Navidad?--it's now on a loop
inside my brain and I fear this
could go on for days.
Thanks again (I think).
Sarah Nielsen-Jones
Kitchener, Ontario
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