Arresting development

From: Andre Mayer
To: Greig Dymond
Subject: Reunited and it feels so grrrr…

Dear Greig:

You heard? Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland are going to put aside two decades of apathy and casual sniping and perform together at the Grammys in February, with a tour quite likely to follow. At the risk of getting rock-snob mushy like Nick Hornby, the Police are in my top five list of all-time musical artists. That said, I’m troubled by these recent developments. Between 1977, the year they formed, and 1984, the year they unofficially broke up, the Police enjoyed phenomenal chart success. I’d say theirs was one of the most impressive creative bursts in rock history.

But their decision to split was a good one. They were no longer in the same headspace. For proof, you need only look at what each member has done since: Copeland found his calling as a film composer; Summers recorded many albums of avant-garde rock; and Sting… well, after releasing a trio of enjoyable, highly literate pop albums, he became a pretentious, lute-playing bore.

Now, these three middle-aged gentlemen want to turn back the clock. I’m now going to utter two terse, ugly words: cash grab.

A

From: Greig Dymond
To: Andre Mayer
Subject: Message in a bottle

Hi Andre,

The Police aren’t one of my top five all-time musical artists. Not even close. They stand at No. 113 on my list — one spot ahead of Kajagoogoo and just behind Giorgio Moroder. I loved them up until Zenyatta Mondatta, when Der Stingle’s literary references started to overwhelm any faux-punk affection I might have felt for them.

Still, I have absolutely no problem with their decision to reunite. I’m guessing they’ll tour this year, charge exorbitant ticket prices, sell plenty of merchandise, and thousands of people will go home happy, having relived their fave memories of the Reagan era.

Of course it’s a cash grab! Of course their best creative work resides somewhere back in the spandex days. I’m pretty sure the reunion has nothing to do with artistic inspiration. Maybe they just want to reclaim their catalogue from lame emo interpretations, or perhaps Andy Summers has some niece who wants to go to private school. His solo catalogue, to be honest, hasn’t shifted as many units as Sting’s.

To paraphrase Roxanne (a tune about a different kind of prostitution), the Fab Three don’t have to put out the red light, but I don’t mind that they are.

Why are you seeking purity in the rock music industry?

Yrs,

The King of Pain

From: Andre Mayer
To: Greig Dymond
Subject: Pistol-whippin’

Greig —

Confession time: my “cash grab” comment was merely a ruse, a ploy, a petty provocation. I don’t actually believe that Sting and Co. are doing it for the money. (If Summers really did need cash, I’m sure Sting could float him a low-interest loan.) But it’s disappointing all the same. One of the things I loved about the Police is that they went out on a high: Synchronicity, their final album, was the apex of their powers. Few bands exhibit such resolve.

Sure, a reunion tour is money in the bank, but it never fails to taint a band’s legacy. Take your beloved Sex Pistols. In 1976, they were four scraggly proto-punks, the embodiment of anti-establishment venom. While they only recorded one album — Never Mind the Bollocks — their legacy was unassailable. (Their musical talent? Assailable.) Twenty years later, they show up on the throwback circuit, older, doughier, with not a shred of punk cred left. The only redeeming aspect of that venture was the name they gave it: the Filthy Lucre Tour.

John Lydon is nothing if not upfront.

A

From: Greig Dymond
To: Andre Mayer
Subject: Re: Pistol-whippin’

Synchronicity was the “apex of their powers”? I guess if you’re into plodding albums that make obscure references to Arthur Koestler, Carl Jung and Soviet bureaucracy, it could indeed represent some kind of apex. Maybe that’s why they’re reuniting: to wash away the foul, pretentious taste of their final studio LP.

I don’t think rock reunions necessarily taint a band’s legacy. It depends on the band, and how tight they are (or aren’t). As you may have guessed, I eagerly shelled out some of my own filthy lucre to witness the pudgy incarnation of the Sex Pistols in 2003. My sensibilities weren’t offended; I didn’t feel that they were betraying a decades-old punk ethic. It was just an entertaining hour of surprisingly taut readings of some fantastic songs.

Plus, John Lydon got mad when somebody spat on him. That’s entertainment!

We become so attached to the music we hear when we’re around 17 years old; I wouldn’t recommend a musical diet consisting solely of golden oldies, but I don’t see the harm in heading out for an evening to relive a few tasty music hooks and reminisce about smaller waist sizes. And I don’t blame the bands, either: I wish someone would give me a few million dollars to relive my career highlights.

Tell me you won’t go see the Police if the tour happens this summer. Of course you will, fanboy! You won’t be able to resist.

G.

From: Andre Mayer
To: Greig Dymond
Subject: Resisting temptation

Greig,

Honestly, I don’t know. I envision them on stage and I just sort of shrug. While I have no doubts about their enduring instrumental prowess, the spectacle would be weird. Sting’s become such a ubiquitous, outsize figure — I have trouble even imagining him as one-third of a democratic unit. It’s also worth noting that Sting has been performing Police songs for most of his solo career — which is his prerogative, since he wrote about 95 per cent of them. But it kind of kills the novelty of hearing Roxanne, Message in a Bottle, Synchronicity, etc. again.

What’s most depressing about reunion tours is that they’re just so damn inevitable. In the years following the Pixies’ break-up, fans chomped at the bit for a reunion. Black Francis and Kim Deal kept dismissing the idea — largely because they couldn’t stand to be in the same room, but also because it was a misguided gambit. Then in 2004, as if pummelled by gale-force winds, they caved.

I was at one of the Toronto shows on the Pixies 2004 tour. Yes, it was an entertaining night, but it also felt like they were just fulfilling some cosmic obligation.

A

From: Greig Dymond
To: Andre Mayer
Subject: Re: Resisting temptation

Andre,

The Beatles managed to resist the idea, and they experienced more pressure than any other act to reunite. And ABBA has said no as well, even though they could score more filthy lucre than the Police and they’re ideal candidates for a reunion  — all the founding members are still alive and they’re all (technically) able to sing in the original phonetic English.

So, I don’t see reunions as inevitable, just harmless entertainment. I passed on the Eagles’ “Hell Freezes Over” spectacle because they rank way down at No. 1,204 on my list of all-time favourite acts, one spot ahead of the DeFranco Family and just behind the Buggles.

But I had a great time at the Guess Who’s “Running Back to Saskatoon” reunion show. Pop is about transitory pleasure, and I really don’t think any great ethical or artistic codes are being breached when you hear an artist commit the ultimate recycling act. Or when you play air guitar to American Woman standing a few feet away from Randy Bachman.

Have fun at the Police reunion show, Andre. Don’t forget to take your binoculars!

G.