Lost at sea

Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush, left) is determined to free Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) from a fate worse than death in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. (Buena Vista Pictures)

When it comes to conveying a pirate-like atmosphere, it’s important to utilize dampness and poor hygiene, two not-unrelated pirate characteristics. In Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, the third instalment of the filthy lucre franchise, every surface and face is fetid, blooming with coral and slick with sludge (the rule does not apply to Keira Knightley; apparently, pirates also plunder for Neutrogena Instant Bronze).

But the great moist ambience is wasted on several incomprehensible plots glued together by nonsense and lined with silliness. Cruel summer is the season where long, empty days meet long, crowded movies.

Still-dull Pirate Will (Orlando Bloom), still-blank Pirate Elizabeth (Knightley) and enjoyably cocky Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) are chasing down a ghost ship helmed by undead “fish pirates” — these cursed seamen have become their work, sprouting gills and tentacles the way Bay Street lawyers grow cellular headsets.

Meanwhile, our heroes are also on a mission to assemble a mock UN of pirate leaders to release surly sea nymph Calypso (Naomie Harris) from her human form. Meanwhile, Will must undo the crustacean curse upon his father (Stellan Skarsgard): he has a starfish where his eyebrow should be. Meanwhile, there’s Chow Yun-Fat. Meanwhile, staggering rock star Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) can only be rescued from purgatory on a sandbar via secret messages hidden in a map.

Or something.

I think.

Maybe.

It’s okay for a film’s guiding mythology to be thick and thorny, but it has to grow over some kind of accessible logic. At World’s End has no such sense. The film pinballs between reality and fantasy, dead and alive, dumb and dumber, providing only the most cryptic clues as to why. Who wants to work this hard in the summer, man? It’s like Ye Olde Matrix, Part 3.

Of course, scanning for logic may not be the point when Depp, twig-headed and eye-lined, is chillaxin’ on the margins. Part 2 overplayed Captain Jack’s rogue weirdness, putting him too far in the centre of the action, when what makes the character so memorable is his wink from the sidelines. In number 3, there’s both less and more of him.

While hallucinating, Jack multiplies, having weird little conversations with dozens of selves and considering the bad advice of wee devil Jacks climbing through his dreads. This is perhaps too literal a manifestation of the give-the-people-what-they-want philosophy that governs movie sequels. At the same time, Depp’s great sense of play is infectious. If the inanity of the project doesn’t bother him, why should it bother us?

Pirate Will (Orlando Bloom, left) and pirate Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) have a stormy relationship in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. (Buena Vista Pictures)

In fact, At World’s End has just enough escapist momentum to almost — but not quite — justify its unholy three-hour length. In the four short years since the first Pirates, CGI expertise has lapped itself a dozen times. Number 3 has several nifty tricks for fans to gab about locker-side later. A woman transforming into a giant then dissolving into a tidal wave of crabs seems like the winner, as well as a possible Red Lobster tie-in.

And yet, all who enter, be warned: This isn’t kid stuff. Director Gore Verbinski, who has stayed with the franchise since the beginning, coats the battle scenes in a death-watch greyness. He seems determined to divorce himself from the child friendliness inherent in a film that was once a ride at Disneyland. Grim opening scenes show lines of prisoners led to the gallows, their dead bodies carted on wheelbarrows. Equally mortifying to the under-12 set — and to the discerning adult — is the bad banter between romantic leads Will and Elizabeth; their wordplay suffers next to their swordplay.

But only one pirate wields an axe of the musical variety. Keith Richards, spiritual father to Jack Sparrow, appears as his actual father, fiddling with said guitar and mumbling a few lines of sage advice. It’s not quite stunt casting because it’s not exactly surprising. Is he good? Yes, Keith Richards is very good at playing Keith Richards.

In fact, only one guy does Keef better, and Disney knows it. The inevitable booty that will be generated by Depp’s sideways charm on this uneven third outing may just mean that At World’s End is hardly an end at all.

Shiver me timbers, I spy a quartet on the horizon.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End opens across Canada on May 25.

Katrina Onstad writes about the arts for CBC.ca.

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