Separation or divorce is a big change that affects everyone in a family. Parents always want to know if separation or divorce will hurt their children. The honest answer is, it depends. Kids can get used to all kinds of changes in their living conditions, and ongoing fighting and conflict can be harmful. It makes a big difference if you and your ex-partner are able to put the children's needs first. Help your children deal with the change and be patient. It will take some time for everyone to adjust.
How conflict affects your kids
Parents going through separation or divorce often fight even more than they did before. As well as old arguments, separating parents may argue about things like custody, visitation schedules, support cheques, or even how late the kids stayed up and who is going to pay the dentist.
Ongoing conflict puts children right in the centre of the war and is very harmful to them. They may think their parents' problems are their fault or that they should be able to fix them, which is too much responsibility for any child.
How can we help them adjust?
- Agree to put the children's needs first.
- Separate your partner's role as a spouse from his or her role as a parent. If you can't get along when you are together, make it businesslike:
- Be polite and unemotional.
- Set meetings with specific agendas.
- Agree on clear contracts about who does what, and when.
- Attend a course for separated and divorced parents. Go separately if necessary.
- Remember that the children love and need both parents in their lives. Criticizing the other parent hurts the children, not the other parent. Encourage your children's relationships with the other parent.
- Be patient. It takes time for children to adjust to all the changes. They may need to cope with:
- new living arrangements
- losing the daily contact with their other parent
- moving to a new home
- making new friends
- living with different people.
- Help your children understand that their feelings are normal. For example, they may act out their anger or pain by being aggressive. While this behaviour isn't okay, their feelings are real and normal. Help them find healthy ways to express their feelings. They might want to try:
- running
- dancing
- drawing
- writing in a journal
- talking to a counsellor.
Additional resources
Internet
Co-parenting
Through Separation and Divorce: Children First – North
Dakota State University Extension Service - Family Studies Publications
Supportive Ideas for Raising your Child in Separate Homes – Child and Family Canada
When Parents Separate or Divorce: Helping Your Child Cope – Child and Family Canada
Hints for separated parents – Child and Family Canada
Helping Your Child Cope with Separation and Divorce – Child and Family Canada
Print
Parenting through Separation and Divorce. B.C. Council for Families.
Code: PAR 121, Price: $1.00.
How can we help our children adjust to separation and divorce?B.C. Council for Families.
FAQ 107, Price: $2.00
Both publications available from the BC Council for Families Online Catalogue, or:
BC Council for Families,
#204 - 2590 Granville Street Vancouver BC
Canada V6H 3H1
Tel: 604-660-0675 or 1-800-663-5638 (Canada/USA)
Fax: 604-732-4813 e-mail: bccf@bccf.bc.ca website: www.bccf.bc.ca
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