The Parent-Teen Relationship:
How Parents Can Make the Most of It?
"Enjoy them now, they'll soon be teenagers!" Warnings
like this from friends and relatives, together with media images
of adolescents as irresponsible, rebellious troublemakers, can lead
parents to expect trouble as their children enter puberty. It is
a rare parent who does not approach a child's adolescence without
some misgivings. But family life does not have to be a battleground
during the teenage years. Parents and teens can live together, more
or less harmoniously, if parents know what to expect and are willing
to make some adjustments in the way they think and act.
The purpose of these fact sheets is to help parents cope more effectively
during their children's adolescence. Although this information is
intended mainly for parents of teenagers, it is general enough to
be useful to parents of younger children as well. The first fact
sheet discussed the way teenagers develop and what parents can do
to help them through this time in their life. This second fact sheet
focuses on strategies parents can use to deal with typical teenage
behaviour.
The Cultural Context
Teens get bad press. All too often publicity about teenagers highlights
the ones in trouble: the runaways and the lawbreakers. You rarely
hear about the hospital volunteers and the camp counsellors.
Teens have no status, no recognized place in our society. We no
longer need them to do essential chores like milking cows or chopping
wood jobs that gave them a sense of usefulness and worth. (Even
when teens work part-time, their earnings are not usually necessary
for their family's survival).
Young people used to grow up quickly. Now we require them to be
dependent and regimented until they acquire the education they need
to find jobs in a technology-oriented society.
Social isolation is another problem. The trend toward smaller families,
increased mobility and the high divorce rate often mean there are
no relatives close by to help teens and their parents get over the
rough spots. When friction develops between parent and teenager,
there may be no one to turn to for help and advice, no one who can
step in and defuse the situation.
Not surprisingly, parents sometimes feel overwhelmed by the stress
of bringing up teenagers. But there are steps we can take to make
things better. We can begin by remembering our own adolescence.
Asking ourselves questions like "How much did I share with
my parents?" "How critical and argumentative was I at
that stage?" and "What were my worries and dreams?"
can help us accept our teens' behaviour better.
Some things are true in every age and in every culture. Adolescence
is always a struggle for independence it is common for teenagers
to challenge their parents.
Teens still cope, as we did, with major physical changes, emotional
ups and downs, unfamiliar sexual stages, peer pressure, a changing
identity, important life decisions and the resulting loneliness
and anxiety.
The world is changing rapidly and differs in many ways from the
one we grew up in. Teens today face a more complex and impersonal
society. Alcohol and drugs are more easily available. Today's teens
also have to worry about AIDS, violence and uncertain job prospects.
The pressures on today's teens are intense. Young people have become
a major target group for advertisers and media hucksters, who constantly
urge them to grow up quickly and have it all now!
Family Relationships
Teens are out of balance at the same time as their parents are
struggling with their own mid-life pressures. While teens are dismayed
by each new pimple, parents may be agonizing over each new wrinkle.
While teens are thinking in terms of the time ahead and the opportunities
it will bring, parents are beginning to think in terms of time remaining
and the opportunities that are diminishing. While teens are gradually
acquiring more personal power, parents are often beginning to confront
their own limitations. Giving up power over their children may be
difficult. Good parents aim at working themselves out of their job,
but the difficult part is knowing how and when to let go.
Parents are not the only ones struggling with mixed feelings. As
teenagers try to establish their identity, they have to adjust to
the loss of childhood security and accept increasing responsibility.
As our children work toward independence and self-control, our
attitude to their struggle is crucial to their success. Parents
and teenagers will both do much better if parents can keep a sense
of perspective.
When parents and teens are getting along, family life can be wonderful.
Teens really are enjoyable and energizing. Their wit and high spirits
make them fun to be around. But when parents and teens are at odds,
the teenage propensity for sullen silence and rejection can confuse
and frustrate their parents.
Life with teenagers is an emotional rollercoaster; certainly an
adult marriage with so many ups and downs would be considered unstable.
Luckily, for parents and adolescents this "on-again, off-again"
relationship is normal and nothing to worry about in the long run.
Make the most of the good times with your teens. Think about your
children's likeable qualities even when they're temporarily exhibiting
their unlikeable ones. It is important for parents to see the instability
in the relationship for what it is a necessary part of the teen's
development in separating from his or her parents.
Handling Anger
Growing up is difficult sometimes and anger plays a key part in
the process of separating from parents. Teens resent being dependent,
but they're afraid of having to take care of themselves. They are
annoyed at being treated like an adult one minute and a child the
next, but they often behave inconsistently themselves. And then
they bristle when you point this out to them.
Understanding your teenager's anger will help you respond to it
more constructively.
In a society that often appears to condone violence as a way of
solving problems, we need to help our teens control their anger
and express it safely especially their anger at parents. Remember
that anger is a normal emotion and that other feelings like helplessness,
hurt, frustration, confusion and guilt are often expressed as anger.
Ask yourself: "How can a teenager in our home express anger
in acceptable ways? Do we provide our teenager with any safety valve
to blow off steam?" We must make it clear to our teens that
yelling, cursing, hitting and other forms of aggression are unacceptable.
There are non-violent ways to work off anger: stomping off to one's
room, pounding a pillow, twisting a towel, crying, talking it out,
writing in a diary or doing some form of physical exercise. In helping
teens to deal with their anger, the example we set is crucial.
Like younger children, teens take their cues from us. It is therefore
important that we be aware of our own behaviour, so that we don't
become part of the problem. Teens often like to bait their parents,
and mothers and fathers who overreact can be drawn into a destructive
pattern of pointless arguments. The last thing an out-of-control
teen needs is an out-of-control parent. Mothers and fathers need
to ask themselves "How do I behave when I'm angry at my teen?
Would I want my teen to imitate me?"
Parents can work off anger using the techniques suggested above
too. When you feel your temperature rising over something your child
has said or done, consciously force yourself to back off. Take time
out. Give yourself a chance to cool off and relax a little before
confronting the issue. It will help you keep things in perspective.
The way you talk is important. In the heat of argument, if you
can't help "sounding off" about your teen's behaviour,
do it without attacking his or her personality. A practical approach
is to start your sentences with the word 'I' followed by a statement
of your feelings. "I don't like it when you use that kind of
language" or "I'm really upset when you take your anger
out on me." This way you will avoid laying blame. In other
words, speak as you would be spoken to.
The way you listen is important too in draining off your teen's
anger. It can be passive listening silence is sometimes golden.
A more useful way to listen is by trying to understand what feelings
lie behind your teen's actions or words. Your response should start
with the word you, as in "You sound like you're pretty frustrated,"
or "You look like you're really fed up." We all know how
important it is to feel heard and understood, especially when we
are upset. Remember that you should listen twice as much as you
talk.
The 'Dos' and 'Don't's of Parent-Teen Communication
Don't argue with the way your teen sees things. Instead,
state your own case and speak from that. "I have a different
opinion," "This is what I believe," and "This
is the way I see it."
Don't talk down to your teenager. There's nothing more irritating
than a condescending tone.
Don't lecture or preach. Again, this only provokes hostility.
Besides, the average teenager goes "deaf" after hearing
about five sentences.
Don't set limits you can't enforce.
Do focus on the behaviour, not the person.
Do think ahead to what you will say and how you will say
it.
Do keep your messages clear and concise.
Do stick to one issue at a time.
Rules and Discipline
It's normal for adolescents to try to test the rules. Because adolescents
are dependent on their parents for a long time, they can build up
a great deal of resentment. This resentment can be expressed by
defying parental restrictions.
Some rules are non-negotiable like "Don't drink and drive"
but keep these to a minimum. Parents who make a major confrontation
out of every minor issue risk losing all their influence with their
teenagers. In demanding quiet submission, they may unwittingly create
a simmering foe. Whenever possible, state rules as guidelines rather
than ultimatums. Otherwise, family life will become a series of
power struggles.
Parents need to help their children make the transition from parental
discipline to self-discipline. For this to happen, teens need to
learn how to negotiate and how to cooperate in setting rules and
solving problems. Today, as their horizons expand, teens are more
often out of our sight; they need to learn how to think for themselves
so they can make the right choices when parents are not around.
You can help your teen practise negotiating, and redirect energy
that might be wasted in power struggles.
Successful teen-parent negotiation depends on three things:
1. Involving your teen in the process when you make rules, set
limits or reach decisions.
2. Keeping as calm and rational as possible even when emotions
run high. It is especially important to control your anger.
3. Using the following specific problem-solving method, which helps
keep negotiations focused on the issue.
Problem solving has several steps: identifying the issue for negotiation,
brainstorming solutions, evaluating and narrowing down the alternatives
until you get a solution that you both can live with, making an
agreement and evaluating the outcome.
In matters of discipline, it is helpful to see inappropriate or
unacceptable behaviour as a mistake in judgment or choice that carries
consequences for your teen. If your teen behaves badly, make your
feelings known immediately. Expressing sadness or disappointment
about your teen's unacceptable behaviour is more constructive than
expressing anger. The former leaves the problem where it belongs
with your teen while the latter shifts the focus to you.
The next step would be to negotiate with the teen the appropriate
consequences for the misbehaviour so that the teen can make amends
and be motivated to do better in the future.
By asserting themselves, parents project by word and action the
message "I love you too much to stand by and see you do something
hurtful. When you show me by your behaviour that you can handle
things better, I'll back off."
While resolving the immediate issue at hand is important, it's
even more crucial for parents to take a long-range view. Their job
is to help teens develop the ability to make good decisions for
themselves.
Young people not only lack experience, but also often have little
foresight. Parents should teach their teens to think like chess
players: before they make a move, they should try to anticipate
the consequences. "What will happen to me if I make this next
decision or choice?"
At the same time, parents should be asking themselves "What
can I do in this situation to help my teen be more responsible?"
Positive Parenting
Growing up is often discouraging. Telling your teenagers "I
love you" is less important than showing in tangible ways that
you care. One of the best ways is by helping your teenagers believe
in themselves. And teens will only believe in themselves if they
know we have confidence in them.
Try to recognize their efforts and the good things they do, and
reassure them, at every possible opportunity, that they have the
qualities we want for them. Give them the message "I don't
always understand what is going on with you but I'm on your side
and I have faith that you will sort things out and land on your
feet."
Caring for the Caregiver
Our culture is often as unhelpful to parents as it is to teens.
Parents are expected to know how to rear their children, and to
do a perfect job with very little support.
When our children reach adolescence, we are caught in a classic
double bind. We have to give up control, but society does not allow
us to relinquish responsibility. Parents are still held accountable
for the behaviour of their offspring sometimes even after they've
left home.
With the loss of power also comes the bittersweet experience of
giving up being needed. After years of doing for our children, the
fact that they can now do for themselves can bring on a sense of
loss. This is especially true for parents who have put their whole
heart and soul into childrearing.
You have to take care of yourself through the teen years as your
children begin to need you less and challenge you more. This means
setting aside time, each day if possible, to fulfil your physical
and emotional needs. This will restore your energy and sense of
perspective.
Relationships with other adults are important. If you are a single
parent, friends and other parents of teens can. be valuable confidants.
If you are married or involved with someone, take time out to nurture
and enjoy the relationship with your partner. Marriages can often
come under stress during this stage. We need to take care of ourselves
and sustain our relationships if we want to provide stability to
our teens during this turbulent time in their lives.
Where to Turn for Help
Every parent feels overwhelmed from time to time. If you feel your
family life is continually in turmoil or if you are always worried
about your teens, you can reach out to other parents, as parents
have always done, for ideas and support. You can look for family
life education groups or groups for parents with special needs.
There is also a great deal of family life education material available
in audio, video and printed form. Similar material for people of
different cultural backgrounds is beginning to become available.
You can also ask your school, doctor or clergy for names of agencies
where you can get professional counselling and parenting advice.
Suggested Readings
Bibby, Reginald, and Donald Posterski. The Emerging Generation.
Toronto: Irwin Publishing Co., 1980.
Brenton, Myron: How to Survive Your Child's Rebellious
Years. Toronto: Bantam Books, 1980.
Briggs, Dorothy. Your Child's Self Esteem. New
York: Doubleday and Co., 1970.
Cloutier, Richard. Mieux vivre avec nos adolescents.
Montreal: Éditions le Jour, 1994.
Falardeau, Guy. La sexualité des jeunes. Un pédiatre raconte.
Montreal: Éditions le Jour; 1994.
Fleming, Don. How to Stop the Battle with Your Teenager.
Toronto: Prentice-Hall Press, 1989.
Ginott, Haim. Between Parent and Teenager. New
York: Avon Publications, 1981.
Kolodny, Robert et al. How to Survive Your Adolescent's
Adolescence. Toronto: Little Brown and Co., 1984.
Lamarre, Johanne. Le défi de la discipline familiale. Pour
mieux vivre avec votre enfant de 2 17 ans. Montreal: La
maison d'édition Les productions Cognition, 1994.
Patterson, Gerald and Marion Forgatch. Parents and Adolescents
Living Together: Part I. Eugene, OR. Castalia Publishing
Co, 1987.
These and other helpful books on parenting adolescents are available
in your local library.
Audio-Visual Resources
Preventing Family Violence A Catalogue of Canadian videos on family
violence is available from the National Clearinghouse on Family
Violence. It contains over 60 titles which may be borrowed from
the regional offices of the National Film Board of Canada.
This document was prepared under contract by Gus Fraser, the coordinator
of the Family Life Education program at the Family Service Centre
of Ottawa-Carleton. We would like to thank the following people
for their invaluable assistance:
Molly Fraser, staff member, Children's Aid Society of Ottawa-Carleton;
Maggie Fietz, Executive Director of Family Service Centre and staff
members Wilma Stollman, Lorna Erickson-Fraser, Liz Shannon and Jan
Christensen; Moe Turner, former supervisor and colleague; Pauline
Van Lammers, Executive Director of the Nepean Community Resource
Centre; Mollie Elie, guidance counsellor at Philomen Wright High
School; Dani le Fréchette, psycho-sociologist specializing in conjugal
violence and family crisis interventions and Gis le Lacroix, program
consultant with the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence.
For further information on family violence, please contact:
National Clearinghouse on Family Violence
Postal Locator: #0201A2
Family Violence Prevention Unit
Public Health Agency of Canada
Health Canada
Ottawa, Ontario
K1A 1B4
Telephone: (613) 957-2938 or call this toll-free number:
1-800-267-1291
Fax: (613) 941-8930
For TDD users (Telecommunication Device for the Deaf) (613)
952-6396 or call this toll-free number: 1-800-561-5643
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