“Having sex” means different things to different people. For some people it
means having intercourse while others also think that oral sex or mutual masturbation
”counts.” Before you know if you’re ready to have sex, you need to decide what
“having sex“ means to you.
Have I decided how far I want to go?
Another way to decide if you’re ready to have sex is to think about what your
limits are, what you want to do and what you don't want to do. Think about some
potential consequences, like if you’re protected against sexually transmitted
infections (STIs) and if you’re planning to protect yourself against pregnancy.
These are important things to think about and get information about.
What are my reasons?
People have sex for many different reasons. It can be because they are lonely,
horny or drunk, because they love someone, or because they want to make someone
love them. People also have sex because they feel pressured, because they want
to get pregnant, or because they want to experiment. Unfortunately, many people
end up having sex for the first time without really thinking about it beforehand.
So you may want to ask yourself, "Why am I interested in having sex? Why
does my partner want to have sex?"
When you think about your reasons, it’s important not to confuse love and sex.
Love is an emotion and sex is a physical act. Having sex with someone doesn't
mean you love them or that they love you. It also won't make them love you,
no matter how great the experience is. People can show love in all kinds of
non-sexual ways, like spending time with someone, listening to them and talking.
While people who are in love can have sex, just because two people are having
sex doesn't mean they’re in love.
It’s also important not to have sex because you feel pressured or because it’s
something that you feel you have to do. If you have sex when you don't want
to, it won't be a positive experience and you’ll probably feel bad afterward.
No one should ever make you do something against your will.
Do my values affect my decision?
Many people base their decisions about sex on moral or religious values. Think
carefully about what your values are, and make a decision that agrees with those
values. Think about how you’ll feel after you have sex. It may also be a good
idea to talk about your decision with a close friend or someone else whose opinion
you trust.
Do I trust my partner?
People often say that trusting their partner had a lot to do with how positive
their first sexual experience was. Before you decide to have sex, ask yourself:
- Do my partner and I trust each other?
- Do we feel a strong closeness?
- Can I talk to my partner about birth control and safer sex?
If you can't talk to your partner about your concerns about safer sex or birth
control, then you probably aren’t ready to have sex with that person.
Additional resources
Am
I Ready? – Teenwire
Checklist: before you do it – Spiderbytes.ca
It’s
all about you! A teen’s guide to talking about sex – Canadian
Health Network (CHN)
Montpetit, C. (ed). (1995). The First Time: True Stories.
Vol 1. & Vol 2. Victoria, BC:
Orca Book Publishers. ISBN 1-55143-037-1 (v. 1) ISBN 1-55143-039-8 (v. 2). To
order contact Orca Book Publishers, PO Box
5626, Station B, Victoria BC, V8R 6S4.
Additional resources for health intermediaries
"What’s the Rush?”
Feldman, L., et al. (1997). A comparison of the demographic, lifestyle,
and sexual behaviour characteristics of virgin and non-virgin adolescents.
The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 6, 197-210. For reprints contact
SIECCAN, Tel (416) 466-5304 Fax (416) 778-0785 e-mail: sieccan@web.net.
Hedgepeth, E. & Helmich, J. (1997). Teaching About Sexuality and HIV:
Principles and Methods for Effective Education. New
York New York University Press. ISBN 0-8147-3535-5.
Sprecher, S., Barbee, A., Schwartz, P. (1995). "Was it good for you,
too?”: Gender differences in first sexual intercourse experiences. Journal
of Sex Research, 32, 3-15.
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