Sexual satisfaction is more than physical pleasure; it’s the overall feeling
you have about your sexual experiences. Physical factors, illness, medications
and surgeries can all affect sexual functioning, but low sexual satisfaction
isn’t caused by medical factors. If you’re disappointed with your sex life,
answering the following questions may help you to pinpoint the reasons why.
You can ask yourself…
Do I know everything I need to know about sexuality?
Many people have beliefs about sexuality and sexual relationships that are
based on myths or incorrect information, which can interfere with sexual satisfaction.
You can learn more about sexuality by reading books, checking out good
web sites, taking courses, or attending sexual enhancement workshops.
Do I have negative attitudes about sex?
Negative attitudes about bodies, genitals and sexuality can get in the way
of sexual satisfaction. Some people believe that “good” people don’t enjoy sex.
Some feel unattractive to their sexual partners because they think their bodies
are too fat, ugly or unacceptable.
People can change their negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings about sex by
replacing old or negative thoughts with more accurate and positive ones. This
process is called “cognitive restructuring.”
Do I feel anxious about sex?
Some people, particularly those who have gone through sexual assault or were
sexually abused as children, may have a general feeling of anxiety about sex.
Even more people experience performance anxiety. Instead of getting lost in
sexy thoughts and feelings during sexual play, they worry about how well they’re
”performing”. If you’re affected by performance anxiety, some focus exercises
could help you stop worrying.
Are there other problems in my life that may be affecting me sexually?
Stress, depression and emotional difficulties can all make sex less satisfying.
You can reduce your stress levels or deal with the upsetting parts of your life
to help improve your sexual satisfaction.
Have I made time for a quality sex life?
We often don’t realize how our lifestyles affect our sex lives. Many people
lead very busy lives and don’t put aside the time they need for quality sexual
activity. Instead, they squeeze sex into the time that’s left after work and
other commitments. You have to make the effort to plan for quality sexual activity.
Do my partner and I have sex in ways that I enjoy?
Your partner may not use the sexual techniques that you find most exciting.
Long-term couples that always have sex the same way may find their sex life
is boring.
Here are a few ideas that may help:
- Include a lot of sensual (not just genital) touching and caressing
as part of sexual activity.
- Be spontaneous and creative by changing the ways and places
you have sex.
- Share your likes and dislikes with your partner.
Do I communicate openly with my partner about sex?
Talking about sex in an open and honest way can help to create and sustain
excitement. Many people have a hard time telling their sexual partners what
they like and don’t like. They hope their partners will just automatically know
what they want. Communicating is important because:
- The things you find exciting will be different from other
people.
- What you like will change from one sexual encounter to the
next, and from one moment to the next.
- No matter how skilled and considerate your partner is, he
or she can’t read your mind.
The clearest way to communicate what you like is by talking, but if you find
this difficult, you can try communicating non-verbally. For example, you can
guide your partner’s hand. You can also:
- Focus on giving and receiving pleasure, not on intercourse
and orgasm.
- Experiment to learn new ways of giving your partner pleasure.
- Give your partner lots of feedback about what you want, what
feels good and what doesn’t.
Are there problems in my relationship?
Sexual satisfaction is affected by feelings of emotional intimacy. Problems
like poor communication, arguing frequently and a lack of common interests or
trust can spill over into your sexual relationship. You may be able to enhance
your sexual satisfaction by improving the non-sexual aspects of your relationship.
For more help with sexual satisfaction and relationship issues, you may want
to talk to a counsellor or therapist. For more information about sex therapy,
see The Board of Examiners
in Sex Therapy and Counselling in Ontario (BESTCO). Please note that not
all qualified sex therapists and counsellors are certified by BESTCO and l’Association
des sexologues du Québec (ASQ).
Additional resources
Male Sexual Response – Calgary Regional Health Authority (CRHA)
Sexual Expression – Sunnybrook and Women's College Health Sciences Centre
Sexual Satisfaction – sexualityandu.ca
Heiman J.R. & LoPiccolo, J. (1992). Becoming Orgasmic: A sexual and
personal growth program for women. New York:
Simon & Schuster.
Zilbergeld, B. (1999). The New Male Sexuality (revised edition). Toronto:
Bantam.
Resources for health intermediaries
Wincze J.P. & Carey, M.P. (2001) Sexual dysfunction: A guide for assessment
and treatment (2nd edtion). New York:
Guilford Press.
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