We are all sexual beings from the moment we’re born. Sexuality isn’t
the same thing as ‘sexually active’ or ‘being sexy’.
Sexuality is part of each person’s personality and it includes body image,
gender and beliefs about relationships.
How should I respond to my child’s questions and behaviours?
Children are naturally curious. The way parents respond to a child’s
curiosity about sexuality will send messages to the child. If a parent responds
to sexuality-related questions and situations with shock, anger or punishment,
a child might learn to feel badly about his or her body or sexuality. For example,
if a child’s hand is slapped because he or she is masturbating, the child
may learn to feel ashamed. Messages about sexuality that are learned in childhood
can also have an impact on attitudes, relationships and sexual functioning in
adulthood.
By answering your children’s questions, you can pass on family values,
beliefs and expectations and teach basic ways to help prevent child abuse. You
can help build positive self-image, strengthen the relationships in your family
and improve the ways you relate to your children. Youth whose parents talk to
them about sex starting at a young age are also more likely to wait until they’re
older before they become sexually active.
What sexuality topics and behaviours are kids interested in at what
ages?
The following information is a general guideline for the types of sexuality
issues that children are interested in at various ages, and what is normal sexual
behaviour at each stage. Individual children will vary in their behaviours.
Infancy
- erections or vaginal lubrication during breast feeding, as a physiological
response to stimulation of the lips and being held closely to the mother
- touching and caressing of genitals (masturbating) as part of body exploration.
2 - 4 years
- masturbation
- interest in gender roles (what it means to be a boy or a girl)
- interest in the differences between males and females
- curiosity about where babies come from
- interest in seeing the naked bodies of other children or family members,
including playing "doctor"
- learning the names of body parts. Teaching children the proper names
for genitals (“penis”, “vagina” or “vulva”)
helps build self-esteem and positive body image.
It’s important for parents to talk to their child about the differences
between public and private behaviour (for example, masturbation is private).
Parents can also explain when it might be okay for someone else to touch the
child’s body (for example, a doctor’s examination or a child care
worker helping with toilet training). It is a parent’s responsibility
to help his or her child to understand what kind of touch is okay and what kind
of touch is not okay.
5 - 9 year
- curiosity about affection and relationships
- curiosity about reproduction
- interest in "dirty" words or bathroom humour
- "playing house" to explore relationships and gender roles
- dressing up in clothes or playing with toys labeled for the opposite
gender.
10 -12 years
- interest in body changes associated with puberty
- embarrassment in talking about puberty and sexuality issues
- new feelings of attraction and desire
- exploring how to behave when attracted to someone
- exploring how to know if someone is attracted to them.
What kinds of things should I be concerned about?
Curiosity about sexuality issues is normal for children, as long as this curiosity
isn’t more important to the child than other age-appropriate activities
like playing with friends. However, there are some behaviours that may indicate
the possibility of sexual abuse. These can include:
- if playmates avoid playing with a child because of sexual pressure
to look at or to touch another's genitals or their own
- if a child has detailed knowledge of sexual acts
- if a child avoids contact with specific adults or playmates
- if a child consistently pulls back from hugs or kisses.
If you suspect the possibility of child abuse, see the FAQ
“What
should I do if I suspect child abuse?”
Additional Resources
Families
are talking - For parents and other adults - SEICUS
How
should I talk to my teenagers about safer sex and birth control?
– Canadian
Health Network
Questions
and answers about sex – KidsHealth
Talk
sex with your child - sexualityandu.ca
Haffner, Debra. From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually
Healthy Children. New York: Newmarket Press
Hickling, M. More Speaking of Sex: What your children need to know and
when they need to know it (1999); and Speaking of Sex: Are you ready
to answer the questions your kids will ask? (1996). Northstone.
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