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Anyone who's ever been a victim of bullying never forgets what it feels like. And the thought that it could be happening to our own children is a huge concern to many parents. But as long as there are kids there will be bullies, so it's important for parents and children to become educated about it. Why? The effects of bullying are not just short-term. Not only does bullying put a child at risk physically, as well as for emotional problems, school anxiety, lowered self-esteem and more, but, as study after study shows, both bullies and their victims are at greater risk for problems later in life. Among the possible long-term effects: depression, anxiety, unemployment and criminal involvement.

It seems obvious, but it isn't always. Bullying comes in many forms. What it's not, as parenting expert Barbara Coloroso noted in her 2002 book The bully, the bullied and the bystander, is light-hearted, well-meaning teasing by a friend who has no intention to hurt feelings (even though this might sometimes happen). True bullying can be physical, emotional, sexual and/or verbal. A victim may be excluded from games, have rumours spread about them, be called names or have racist remarks made about them. They may be physically hurt or pushed around. They may be the recipients of unwanted sexual contact. There may be Internet smear campaigns used against them. Girls may bully differently than boys. While they can be physically violent, more often girls will be verbal or emotional bullies-excluding a child or saying and doing things to make the child feel bad about herself.

Even in a family with good, open communication, children may feel reluctant to discuss what's happening. Why? For one thing, they may feel scared about getting into deeper troubles with the bully. Or they may feel what's happening to them is somehow their fault. Or they may feel you won't take the problem seriously. What's more likely to happen is that you'll notice your child becoming more reluctant to go to school (or to wherever the bullying is happening), developing trouble with schoolwork, becoming more withdrawn, anxious, angry or depressed.

It's always good to ask a child pointed questions about his or her day (otherwise the answers are vague, at the best of times). If, over the course of conversation, you start to feel as if your child might be having trouble with bullies, don't brush off or minimize the problem. Let your child know he or she is believed and supported by you. Then you can develop your own plan and start to give your child some coping strategies.

The Canadian Safe Schools Network offers a great deal of information about bullying, and about what parents and kids can do. The first step is for parents to assess the situation as much as they can by determining exactly what is happening to their child, how often, who is causing the problem, who if anyone is witnessing the actions and whether or not the child has taken action against the bullies. That way you will have all the information when you discuss the problem with school authorities or other members of your community. In addition:

• To be effective, anti-bullying strategies must involve everyone: teachers, school authorities, parents, kids and the community, if necessary. Talk to your child's school about the problem and about their plan of action.



• Give your children ideas for coping with bullying. Help them understand the importance of walking away from a bully if the situation allows. Give them the language and actions, through demonstrations and role-playing at home, so that they can appear more confident when confronted by the bully.



• Let the child know that if they are having trouble they should go to an adult and expect to be helped.



• Make sure all your children understand what bullying is - where friendly teasing stops and taunting and bullying begin - so they don't do it themselves. Teach the importance of standing up for and helping any child who is being bullied.



• Talk to a health professional about next steps if your child needs help with depression or anxiety.

• Bullies rarely work well without an audience, and most kids don't like to see someone being picked on. Don't be the audience. If kids join together to stand up against a bully, the bully will lose his or her power and most likely stop.



• If you see bullying happen and you are afraid to get involved, find an adult for help.



• If you are being bullied, tell your parents, teacher or other trusted adult for help. Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) has lots of helpful information on its website and offers telephone counselling services to kids of all ages on bullying and many other issues of importance. You can also find useful information on Family Service Canada's site.