The death of a parent can be devastating. How a child reacts depends on his or
her age, experiences and the relationship with the parent. Children who lose a
parent will probably have many strong and confusing feelings. You can help by
being there for them. Listen to their questions and give honest answers. Help
them express their feelings and share your own. Give them support and let them
know that they'll be taken care of and that they're safe.
What can I expect?
While each child grieves differently, common responses to the death of a parent
can include:
- shock and denial
- anger – shown in rowdy play, nightmares or temper tantrums
- guilt
- regression – acting younger than they are, infantile, demanding,
clinging
- sadness – may come and go over a long period of time
- reduced appetite and inability to sleep
- fear of being alone.
Is the grieving process different for children of different ages?
How children grieve will depend on their age and life experience.
Young children
Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible. They may try
to understand death by asking many direct questions: How did it happen? Why did
it happen? Where is the parent now? These questions can be surprising and challenging.
It's important to give them direct answers because what they are imagining
can be much worse than what actually happened.
Young children who are grieving may feel frightened and confused. They may have
nightmares or act younger than they are. Some may act as if they are unaffected
by the death.
Children aged 6 to 12
At this age, children are beginning to understand that death is final. They may
believe that they somehow caused the death and blame themselves. This common reaction
helps them feel as if they have some control over the situation. If this happens,
it's very important for the living parent or another caregiver to discuss
the cause of death with the child, to help them understand that they are not to
blame and could not have controlled the situation.
School-aged children may feel shock, fear, anxiety, depression and anger. They
may deny the death or be withdrawn.
Teens
Teens may experience many of the same emotions as adults. Feelings of shock, denial,
disappointment, anger, sadness, loneliness and guilt are all common. Some teens
will talk about their feelings and some may not. Their grieving processes tend
to last longer than those of younger children.
How can I help?
When a parent dies, trusted family members and friends play an important role.
Often, the surviving parent and other family members are so overwhelmed by their
own grief that they can't cope with a child's needs. There are many
ways friends and other trusted adults can help:
- Listen carefully to questions, giving answers that are direct and honest
but provide only the amount of information that the child asks for and can handle.
- Avoid clichés like "gone away" or "went to sleep",
which cause more confusion and fear.
- Encourage the child to express his or her feelings.
- Don't tell a child how to feel.
- Don't hide or deny your own feelings.
- Be patient. Healing takes time – the child may ask the same questions
over and over again.
- Reassure the child that he or she will be taken care of. Children need
to know that their world will be maintained by a strong, caring adult.
- Make sure they eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.
- Talk about memories of the parent who died or make a photo album or
memory book together.
- Offer a break from the sadness at home.
- Remember that grief is a normal, healthy response to loss.
You can find bereavement supports in your local community through non-profit
organizations (such as the Bereaved
Families of Ontario), local hospitals or funeral homes, libraries (for reading
material and children's storybooks about grief and loss), the child's school
or a faith community.
What are some of the warning signs that a child might need professional
help?
Warning signs that a child might need professional help include:
- extreme grieving that lasts longer than a few months or gets stronger
as time passes
- refusal to participate in usual activities like sports
- aggressive and destructive behaviour
- withdrawal from friends and family
- imitating the dead parent or expressing the desire to be with them
- prolonged fear of being left by themselves
- refusal to eat or sleeplessness.
Additional Resources
Internet
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