Canadian Health Network

I am a new stepparent. How do I build a happy relationship with my stepchildren?

As a new stepparent, you're not alone. Almost one-quarter of all children in Canada live in a stepfamily. Being a stepparent isn't an easy job, but neither is parenting! You can't take the place of the absent parent, but you can develop your own relationship with your stepchildren. Don't try to make too many changes, but do take the time to get to know each other, and always take time to build your relationship with your new partner. A strong, caring couple relationship makes it easier to deal with challenges.

Here are some tips for successful step-parenting:

Take it slow

• There's no such thing as "instant love." Love and relationships take time to develop. You and your new partner have chosen each other, but the children may not even want a new parent.
  
  
• One of the biggest mistakes stepparents make is trying too hard. Be yourself. Get to know your stepchildren slowly.
  
  
• Building a relationship with stepchildren takes time. Experts tell us that it can take as long as the child is old for them to accept a new person as a parent. For example, if your stepchild is two years old, it will probably take him 2 years to accept you in a parental role. But if your new stepchild is 12 years old, it may take her as long as 12 years.

Offer friendship, not discipline

• For the first several years, focus on filling a warm and supportive role. Think about being a coach, a mentor or a friend. Support the children's biological parent, but leave the discipline role to them.
  
  
• Be aware that your parenting role will depend on the age of the children involved. Toddlers are quicker to accept a stepparent in a parental role than a teenager who isn't usually interested in having another parent. You'll be more successful with a teenager if you take a coach or friendship role with them.

Keep your couple relationship strong

• As busy as your lives are, take time to be alone with your partner because a strong, caring, and respectful couple relationship is key to the success of the family.
  
  
• You and your partner may have very different ideas about parenting. Think about taking a parenting course together. This could help you look at new ideas and give you a place to talk about how to raise the children in your new blended family. You may want to keep these discussions private since your stepchildren probably won't want to hear you discussing the details of family rules or parenting.

Respect parent/child bonds

• Children and their biological parents need to spend time alone. Sometimes this might make you feel jealous, but it's important to respect this special bond. If the children feel secure with their natural parent, they're more likely to be open to improving their relationship with their stepparent.
  
  
• You can't replace an absent parent, and you can't compete with him or her. Just be yourself and concentrate on developing your own special relationship with your stepchildren.

Respect history

• As a stepparent, you're joining a family that already has its own way of doing things. They have their own rules and traditions, such as who takes out the garbage, how to act at meal times or special bedtime routines. Watch and learn about these routines and traditions. Don't criticize or try to change them overnight. But don't worry; over time, as a stepfamily, you'll develop your own traditions together.

Prepare yourselves and look for support

• Before getting married, you might want to look for a marriage preparation program that focuses on couples who will be forming a stepfamily.
  
  
• Local family service agencies also offer support. They often run stepfamily support groups and workshops on building successful stepfamilies.
  
  
• You might want to see a family counsellor before everyone moves in together. This gives everyone a chance to talk about what kinds of roles and responsibilities might work. Later, the counsellor can act as a mediator to help sort out any issues that come up.

Additional Resources

Internet

Becoming a step-parent
Parent Help Line

National Stepfamily Resource Center

Step family life ... and then some
BC Council for Families

Print

How do I build a happy relationship with my new stepchildren? BC Council for Families.
FAQ 106, Price: $2.00

Stepfamilies ... Building for Success. BC Council for Families.
Code: NLR 062, Price: $2.00

Building Your Stepfamiliy ... A Blueprint for Success, BC Council for Families.
Code: MSC 121, Price: $3.00