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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.

A reader writes: My husband's 21-year-old daughter is returning from another country, pregnant, with a man she has no plans to marry. Neither has any prospects here, and my husband has offered them our finished basement while she has the baby. I reluctantly agreed. My husband once said that if he had to choose between us he would choose his daughter. She and I never really got along; I found her lazy and disorganized. I feel this will mess up my retirement plans and possibly my marriage. I want to embrace the situation, but I feel resentful. My friends and family say don't do it, but it's a done deal. What should I do?

Negotiate boundaries

You say she is “lazy and disorganized” – that’s not the biggest thing in the world. Is this woman nice? Interesting? Kind? Loved by her father? In need of some support at the moment - yikes! In order to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, negotiate some agreeable boundaries and timelines that you can live with. For all you know, they have no intention of living with you well into your dotage. Who knows, you may be inhabiting their basement some day.

– Jean Sharp, Ottawa

Undo the deal

They have started their own family – they should do it under their own roof. Offer to support them with a fixed monthly amount for, say, six months, whilst they find their feet. They will never learn responsibility as long as Daddy bails them out. Your own marriage sounds rocky. If it is headed for a breakup, better find out sooner than later. This is a deal breaker for your own marriage and I think you must know it.

Penelope Hill, Dundas, Ont.

Open your heart

You have two choices. The first: Be firm, reject this unwarranted intrusion on your retirement and face, like the strong and principled person you are, a lonely retirement (cue Basil Rathbone reading Charles Dickens) and dying alone and unmourned (cue Eleanor Rigby). The second: Take this woman and her child into your home, your heart, your relationships and your retirement life, and then wonder every day how this once ungrateful stepdaughter could become the loving stepdaughter who gave birth to the most wonderful, sweet, smart child, who brightens your days of retirement and makes it all seem worth it.

– Eric Mendelsohn, Toronto

The final word

As someone who enjoys her privacy to a sometimes pathological degree (it can involve throwing ringing phones across the room and crouching behind curtains when the doorbell rings), I sympathize with your plight. Your home is your sanctuary, after all, a peaceful retirement hard-earned and much-anticipated, I don’t doubt. But I’d like to point out a couple of things. One, you married a man who made it clear his daughter was his priority. In agreeing to join your life with his, you’ve essentially agreed to participate, in the usual wifely way, in his family relationships. That includes any responsibilities he may feel he has toward his daughter.

Two, you say you’ve always found this woman “lazy and disorganized.” I agree with Jean this isn’t exactly unconscionable; furthermore, I can’t help but notice you cite her current age as 21. Which tells me you’ve probably known this girl primarily during her teenage years. Show me a teenager who isn’t lazy and disorganized and I will show you Reese Witherspoon in the film Election, or else an even smaller, shriller version of Rachael Ray. Just count yourself lucky you never had to put up with that kind of type-A irritation.

And now comes the all-kidding-aside portion of my response. All kidding aside, this woman is barely out of her teens, obviously in a transitional period and about to have a baby. Her father, who loves her, has a finished basement sitting empty in his house. Penelope calls the situation a “deal-breaker” – and I feel fortunate not to be related to Penelope. To me, it’s a no-brainer. Can you actually suppose your stepdaughter and her husband yearn to raise their child huddled around Dad’s furnace the rest of their lives? Can you possibly imagine a bigger motivator than rocking your infant as you squint at the thin trickle of sunshine coming in from the minuscule window, while listening to your hostile stepmother stomp around directly above your head? Trust me. They will be out within the year. If you doubt this, you are perfectly within your rights to ask your husband to provide his daughter and her new family with a deadline. Meanwhile, you may consider taking Eric’s advice about opening not only your basement, but your heart, just a titch.

Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.

Next week's question

A reader writes: I have just started seeing a colleague of mine. We grew very close over the past year, and even strangers would comment on the strong connection between us. Initially, I was hesitant to start something with a colleague, but we had a long talk a couple weeks ago and decided to “be together.” But when we are at work and around friends. Click here to read the rest of the question.